ash67

I'm freaking out. My guitar boy is back in town on Thursday. I missed his last gig because my id was screwed up and I'd never been to that particular club before. But I got a new one so I can definatly get in.

But I'm kinda panicing. I haven't seen him in four years. The last time didn't end on bad terms really. It was just weird.

Basically, it went a little something like this..... I was at a tire store having a flat fixed with my now ex. Guitar boy had never met him before, only heard me talk about him. Guitar boy rolled up to have new tires put on his car. Everything is cool and we talk like always. That is until he gets introduced to ex. It was kinda acquard and we all just went ahead and took care of our bs there and left.

I didn't hear from him after that. It was just before he graduated and moved off. I never understood it all though. I mean, he had a girl. But they weren't exactly the perfect couple. Around that point in time, it was obvious it was over. I guess he assumed I would always be his back up plan. But I'm not one to jump to conclusions.

I'm over thinking it. I know. But I can't help it. He's always been the one person that I've cared about enough to care this much. He's the only person that I've ever had that has made me feel (good and bad) an emotion enough to write things that I'm proud of. I've not been able to write since he's been gone. Now that he's kinda back in my life, I feel compelled to write again. And of all things, to sing. Something that I've been assamed of for a while now because I don't think I'm good enough.

I feel crazy. We were never together. Not really. We had our private meetings and conversations in the cover of night. I don't understand why he makes me feel like he does. Its been so long, he might as well be a stranger.

I look at pictures from all these shows that he's done and all these fan girls.... I don't feel like I measure up. I know that they aren't really pretty. Everything about them is fake. Their teeth are overly whiten, their skin is overly tanned, and their tiny frame came from sticking a finger down their throats. But no matter what I tell myself, I still compair myself to them.

But I know I'm differnt. I love that he's getting some where with his music. That he gets to travel the country and entertain. But honestly, I don't care. It wasn't that that drew me to him. He's still that guy I met in my math class that used to take my stuff so I'd talk to him. To me at least.

But does that matter to him? I know the only way to know is to see. But I'm so scared I'm setting myself up to crash again. And after all that's happened here lately, I don't know if I could take it.

I've got to try though. I just wish I wasn't going alone. I could really use some back up....