ash67

I feel....forgotten I guess you could say. I blame it on the fact that my birthday on Saturday sucked. I'm not one to blow things out of proportion when it comes to these things. But I am truely hurt. I went back to my home town hoping that maybe I could feel some love. My sister and her bunch came up. But it was like it was any other day when I was still living in that house. She left without a fleeting glance to go party with her friends and didn't even offer to pay for my dinner. I didn't need her money and probably would have said no, but I mean, some kind of acknowledgement would have been nice.

My mom, that was the same story. Locked up in a room doing her internet whoring while I sat alone in the dark living room feeling like a forgotten four year old at a super market. So, I drank a whole bottle of wine by myself and thought about how I felt like a middle child with no younger sibling. My boyfriend, yeah the guy that is suppose to fucking love me, went to bed early cuz he said I was being boring. Leaving me when I feel like total shit on my fucking birthday.

He's in Houston until tomorrow and he barely will talk to me on the phone. I'm in this fucking house all by myself and I can't get five minutes with him on the phone. I don't have any body else in this god forsaken town but him and he won't even talk to me.

I'm tired of the hurt. I'm tired of being angry and depressed and alone all the time. I hate being cast aside like some used and dirty play thing that is so torn and tattered its shameful to be seen with.

I feel so inadquait, especially when it comes to what I do for a living and the money I make. I want to do so much for others, because it seems that's the only way they'll see me. Yet I remain unseen because I am at a bottom rung of servatude. A whore for their grubby hands that they just cast a few filthy coins to after her back is broken and she's no use to them anymore now that they're done.

Sounds dramatic, but its how I feel. I feel so useds. I want to be seen as more then an object for objectifying for any man or woman's satifaction and nothing more. I know, its part of being of this sex and sexual orientation. It shouldn't be like that. I am not here to lie flat on my back, phsyically or metaphorically, for anyone to just come along and use for their self gratification. No more. I'm done. I'm spent. I just want to rest.