And now ... 
Aries: (March 21April 19)
When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
Taurus: (April. 20May 20)
Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
Gemini: (May 21June 21)
In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
Cancer: (June 22July 22)
Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
Leo: (July 23Aug. 22)
You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
Virgo: (Aug. 23Sept. 22)
You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
Libra: (Sept. 23Oct. 23)
There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24Nov. 21)
Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassionthose things have never worked on you.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22Dec. 21)
The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22Jan. 19)
The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20Feb. 18)
You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
Pisces: (Feb. 19March 20)
You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.
Aries: (March 21April 19)
When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
Taurus: (April. 20May 20)
Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
Gemini: (May 21June 21)
In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
Cancer: (June 22July 22)
Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
Leo: (July 23Aug. 22)
You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
Virgo: (Aug. 23Sept. 22)
You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
Libra: (Sept. 23Oct. 23)
There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24Nov. 21)
Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassionthose things have never worked on you.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22Dec. 21)
The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22Jan. 19)
The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20Feb. 18)
You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
Pisces: (Feb. 19March 20)
You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.
VIEW 25 of 29 COMMENTS
olsen:
haha my horoscope was shockingly accurate.
sydni:
then I'm the girly for you! 
