ash

Aries: (March 21April 19)
You have no idea why Nancy Sinatra keeps showing up at your place and soundly kicking your ass, but if you don't find out soon, there's a chance she'll stop.

Taurus: (April. 20May 20)
It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.

Gemini: (May 21June 21)
The increasingly litigious and impolite nature of the times pays off for you when you become an expert hostile witness.

Cancer: (June 22July 22)
Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.

Leo: (July 23Aug. 22)
Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.

Virgo: (Aug. 23Sept. 22)
Stop worrying about what does and doesn't give you cancer. You have more immediate concerns with who will or won't hang you upside-down on a razor-wire fence for 72 hours.

Libra: (Sept. 23Oct. 23)
You don't know a lot about art, but you do know what you like. This situation will lead to a curatorship at the National Museum Of Things I Like.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24Nov. 21)
You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22Dec. 21)
You don't use the airwaves, exactly, but the FCC will soon take a stand on what you can and can't say using public air.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22Jan. 19)
There's been a lot of talk about the lack of nurse slayings lately, but you're the only person with the guts to actually do something about it.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20Feb. 18)
It's nice that you're reading to the elderly, but people are wondering exactly what it is you're reading to make so many of them die during the experience.

Pisces: (Feb. 19March 20)
You'll learn a relatively valuable lesson this week, when a kindly homeless man teaches you about punctuation.