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Aries: (March 21April 19)
Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man.

Taurus: (April. 20May 20)
A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.

Gemini: (May 21June 21)
You're happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.

Cancer: (June 22July 22)
All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.

Leo: (July 23Aug. 22)
You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.

Virgo: (Aug. 23Sept. 22)
Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
Libra: (Sept. 23Oct. 23)
There's no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24Nov. 21)
A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22Dec. 21)
You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22Jan. 19)
Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city's first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20Feb. 18)
America's little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.

Pisces: (Feb. 19March 20)
New directions in evolutionary theory make it possible for people to be disgusted at what you evolved from.