artslut

Aquarius, when you sent a hug my way at 2 am, it was you who needed a hug. I am now sitting here in my chair thinking to myself how awful you must be now and then when you wrote this. Please tell me you take a break from beating yourself up. God, I hear the spiral you are in and I just don't know if I can say anything to brighten it. There isn't much to really say. I went on short term disability back in May for a lot of reasons, one being health, another severe horrible depression. I have always been a driven strong person. I have always been the Omega of all. I was the rock, the wall, the unbeatable force, my nickname professionally in the business world is The Tractor. I am nothing but a bundle of tears half the time, I am a frail piece of nothing, I turn to a blank piece of paper, nothing, no resolution, no force, no will, agony, hate, bitterness, loss, 100s of emotions. When you set an idea of who it is you want to be, what is others want you to be, what it is you must be, and what you are, it is exetremely hard to cope. You must be able to live with yourself, be yourself, know who you are. There was a point when I didn't know who I was. There are still borders in my mind that I am unsure of. For years since I was young I have built upon hurt, demands, and survival to define myself. I too, require the people around me to conform in certain ways. I believe my true family is not always that of blood relation but whom bleeds with me. I don't expect everyone to live at the standard I have held myself to, I have expected everyone who mattered to me to believe in me however. That is one of the things that shot me down. I am not intimate in the knowledge of your relationship with Danielle, but I think I know that your intentions were good and born of security. Sometimes, in fact, the majority of the time, I find that even the people I hold closest to me, like my husband do not understand my code of life. What you have done, may have hurt her and it may be permanent, but I wonder if she understands the intention of it. The fact that you understand that it is destructive should show her that you are willing to change. You may not be able to change what you hold yourself to, but you can change what you do to others. I am learning to communicate with my family and accept that I can't make them take my advice, make them listen always, make them be strong, make them understand me, that I must take them as they are and support them. That I must believe in them. I must accept that I must keep some of myself to myself. I can change behavoirs over time, there are times I mess up but trial and error and patience over time has shown that I can make improvement. I think you can change your attitude towards Danielle if she can just give you the chance and teach you to do it.

For an example, my husband and I had a list of things we wanted to work at on each other. I will focus on what he wanted me to change... He doesn't like me kissing him a lot, grabbing his butt, or being just overly affectionate in public in general. This was in the beginning of our relationship and while for my age group and what I consider myself prudish it was wild and outragish for his taste and age group I guess. So I worked on it. I was hurt and devastated over the whole issue, but I tried to understand his views. I would sometimes get excited or lax or we would party and I would get drunk and get a little wild, but eventually I learned to just kiss him briefly on the cheek or hold his hand or arm and he is very happy now when we are in public. Not that I particularly like it, but that is a relationship and that is love-- making things work.

So ultimately, I want to hope Danielle can know that she should come back to you. You love her. She and you have been together for a long time, to just give up now when you are making progress and hearing what she says. Tell her this. Hell, make her read your journal entries. I hope she has the heart and courage and faith in you. I don't know why I feel it over a computer screen but for some reason I feel it in you even though I have never seen or met you or talked verbally to you, I know you have something she should be taking a look at. Hugging you spiritually and hoping you are holding on. Fedona