artslut

Just take it easy. Rest up. Maybe a mini vacation or getting out of the house would help?

May is a variable word. Cancer is fightable now too. Think positive. If you like Zepplin listen to a song that always makes me happy along the same genre... Lynryd Skynryd Free Bird... I always listen to that to just let my mind free. That song has a lot of meanings for me but it is a great song to just soar to.

Aquarius, when you sent a hug my way at 2 am, it was you who needed a hug. I am now sitting here in my chair thinking to myself how awful you must be now and then when you wrote this. Please tell me you take a break from beating yourself up. God, I hear the spiral you are in and I just don't know if I can say anything to brighten it. There isn't much to really say. I went on short term disability back in May for a lot of reasons, one being health, another severe horrible depression. I have always been a driven strong person. I have always been the Omega of all. I was the rock, the wall, the unbeatable force, my nickname professionally in the business world is The Tractor. I am nothing but a bundle of tears half the time, I am a frail piece of nothing, I turn to a blank piece of paper, nothing, no resolution, no force, no will, agony, hate, bitterness, loss, 100s of emotions. When you set an idea of who it is you want to be, what is others want you to be, what it is you must be, and what you are, it is exetremely hard to cope. You must be able to live with yourself, be yourself, know who you are. There was a point when I didn't know who I was. There are still borders in my mind that I am unsure of. For years since I was young I have built upon hurt, demands, and survival to define myself. I too, require the people around me to conform in certain ways. I believe my true family is not always that of blood relation but whom bleeds with me. I don't expect everyone to live at the standard I have held myself to, I have expected everyone who mattered to me to believe in me however. That is one of the things that shot me down. I am not intimate in the knowledge of your relationship with Danielle, but I think I know that your intentions were good and born of security. Sometimes, in fact, the majority of the time, I find that even the people I hold closest to me, like my husband do not understand my code of life. What you have done, may have hurt her and it may be permanent, but I wonder if she understands the intention of it. The fact that you understand that it is destructive should show her that you are willing to change. You may not be able to change what you hold yourself to, but you can change what you do to others. I am learning to communicate with my family and accept that I can't make them take my advice, make them listen always, make them be strong, make them understand me, that I must take them as they are and support them. That I must believe in them. I must accept that I must keep some of myself to myself. I can change behavoirs over time, there are times I mess up but trial and error and patience over time has shown that I can make improvement. I think you can change your attitude towards Danielle if she can just give you the chance and teach you to do it.

For an example, my husband and I had a list of things we wanted to work at on each other. I will focus on what he wanted me to change... He doesn't like me kissing him a lot, grabbing his butt, or being just overly affectionate in public in general. This was in the beginning of our relationship and while for my age group and what I consider myself prudish it was wild and outragish for his taste and age group I guess. So I worked on it. I was hurt and devastated over the whole issue, but I tried to understand his views. I would sometimes get excited or lax or we would party and I would get drunk and get a little wild, but eventually I learned to just kiss him briefly on the cheek or hold his hand or arm and he is very happy now when we are in public. Not that I particularly like it, but that is a relationship and that is love-- making things work.

So ultimately, I want to hope Danielle can know that she should come back to you. You love her. She and you have been together for a long time, to just give up now when you are making progress and hearing what she says. Tell her this. Hell, make her read your journal entries. I hope she has the heart and courage and faith in you. I don't know why I feel it over a computer screen but for some reason I feel it in you even though I have never seen or met you or talked verbally to you, I know you have something she should be taking a look at. Hugging you spiritually and hoping you are holding on. Fedona

Okay, you obviously care for her a lot. Now its only been two weeks and she is with someone new and that is probably a whole rebound thing. See, most women and I am guilty of this in the past need a vice to replace vice before moving from one to the other so he was already established or she was thinking of him before she jumped ship. That doesn't mean every chick has to have a guy to dump a guy, it just means that every woman out there has things set up in her head and has a "nest" all planned before she jumps so trust me it has been more than just two weeks for her. Now I know that is going to sting like a son of a bitch but it is 99.9% the truth. The good of it is that she is that much closer to the finish line with him. She isn't going to keep him and it isn't going to last. She is likely using him to hurt you, fill a need for herself temporarily, or waiting for the next step in her mind. She might not realize it yet even. Now, the steps you need to do is to define for yourself what your love is. I am a person who believes that if you truly l-o-v-e someone that you can't turn it on or off it is something that stays with you forever. That is if it is really love. I am sure you know your heart. Your soul being torn apart, your agony of the past, your acknowledgement of things gone wrong, your desire for her happiness... all point to things I would view as love. The sting of her with the other guy, maybe love and pride. The next thing you need to do is to define for yourself if you want to put that love into the closet and learn to love her from a distance and love a memory, in other words; move on and survive or if you want to work for her. If it is the latter of the two, then you need to seriously make her listen to you. She needs to pull her head out of her ass, hear that you love her, hear that you acknowledge mistakes, hear that you want to make an action plan to work things out and she needs to make the same changes in her life for you if she loves you. If she is willing then do it, if not then you need to live with loving a memory and get someone who you can be open, honest and loving with. Learn from your mistakes and be strong. You deserve better. She deserves better. You both need to learn that and expect that. I hope this helps you. I have been thru this and at least 3 times a week I have to take a big spoonful of my own medicine and shit and it works for the most part. Remember it takes 2. Don't let her rule you.

BTW thanks for your advice too. I saw dear ole dad and set out an action plan for him. We'll see what he has in store for me or himself. I am just taking baby steps.

Big hug out to you.

I know the feeling. The whole cold eerie feeling eating up everything and making you second guess if what you are or your ideas are real. Just trying to make it. Believe me, I am the Queen of mindless dribble, the more I feel I don't belong the more I turn into a chameleon: all smiles, stupid talking about shit I don't care about, worry over who thinks what, am I dressed right, and is everyone happy, can anyone see what is really going on in my head? Everyday I have a battle with my innerself and who I portray to the world. I am so many things to so many people and I know that a heck of a lot of people out there in the world will never know me--- that is me in my mind... its okay, that is what makes each of us special I guess. Just make sure you leave some windows open so some important people who really matter to you can see in and you probably will be okay. And by the way, thanks for the sorry.

Hey there, I am on usually around 6-8ish our time. I hate TV and the noise of my house around those hours. Let me know what works for you. I am home in the morinings sometimes too. Depends on what is on my itenary. I have dumb Dr. appts but other than that I am usually home. I zone a lot on the couch or with my dogs or by the pool, just reading or writing or thinking or sleeping... pretty boring huh?

that doesn't sound good. what's up?

found on road dead.

update your goddamn journal, biotch!!

i think women very well may intimidate you. AND you judge too quickly

keep an open mind sweetie.

since you wont talk to i'm going to tell you here: i'm going to go to bartending school, then tend bar, for a while probably...an easy job, w/ good pay and my kind of hours so that i will be otherwise free to do my art... i'd really like to see you, and plus i need to get my bike back...so we really need to talk either way...

Hello

i love being giddy. i'm glad that things are going well for you sweetie.