Here lately I’ve been in an odd place for myself. Not a bad place. Just odd. I’ve been doing a lot of “soul searching” I suppose is the best word for it. I’m not unhappy, but I’m also not thrilled. Stuck. I just kinda feel stuck.
I’m content with some new developments and have even accepted some old one’s that I’m sort of at the point of “I guess that’s how it’s going to be then”. Could be feel defeated but I’m also conditioning myself to take a better approach. It’s interesting for me. Almost like I’ve transcended into a new maturity. As I said, odd. It feels odd.
With work I’ve taken a step back on some things and refocused on others that are in my reach and scope of practice. Essentially I’ve let off trying to create or provide solutions for upper management and have retired to supporting my direct and immediate team. It feels nice to be more current with people around me instead of having to write endless and pointless messages to people who obviously do not care to read them including make the effort to amend them. It’s been calming for me to simply say “ that’s not my problem”. With that I’ve noticed some peer to peer relationships take off. While I’m not an individual that tries to get to know people around I’ve noticed many trying to get to know me better. This does stir some anxiety but I’m trying to change how people see me. I genuinely am a good person and have the best of intentions in mind. My tone and verbiage however have a severe disconnect. So it’s been nice to let people know me on a slightly deeper level even though I’m internally imploding with a backup plan.
I think some if not most of this is me taking a step back and seriously looking at myself. My current book has helped a lot and I may invest in finding others like it. I’m not usually a reader but I also feel reading “self-help” books is cheaper and more convenient than therapy. I know most the warning signs I just need a little perspective is all. It’s working. I’m feeling and finding many things we see on a day to day basis being reintroduced in a different form. That makes me feel thankful. The second is a from a not so recent, fairly significant person in my life. She has been an incredibly arduous and sometimes infuriating person to be around and with. But. She has been incredibly impactful. I am very glad she hasn’t given up on me. While we share so many things in life; we also share so many differences. She challenges my attitude (which is no easy feat as I am also incredibly rude, disrespectful, argumentative and arrogant at times as well). She is truly a nurturing person and though I don’t often show it or express it I'm truly thankful for her involvement in my life in all the forms she provides.
It’s currently 4:45 in the morning and I have read a couple chapters in my book and I am preparing to get ready for bed for another busy night at work. I can’t help but reflect on things lately. As I said, I feel a strange since of self. Maturity? Reflection? Tranquility? Awareness? Call it what you will but it’s working. I’m not completely happy with my life but I am currently making plans to rectify those feelings to make the unhappy parts better. I have a plan but am struggling to overcome fear of change, fear of failure, and even a hint of fear of lost connections. I have lost so much in my life already and I try to avert from losing anymore. I suppose life is full of losses but often where there is a loss there is also a gain to be made in the same sweep.
I suppose life is good considering if any complaint or fears I have are transpired from my own thoughts and feelings. I’m making changes. Sometimes change is uncomfortable and humiliating. I'm relearning the art of being humble once again.
