As of late I’ve been doing a lot of deep thinking. To be honest, a rather significant person told me “you ask me to communicate better but you’re not communicating”. I’ve had that thought in my head for a few days…… I think the reasons behind this for me is I like to know where I stand with people. I like to know what they think so I can develop a counterargument. In a sinister way I guess it keeps me a step ahead. While I’m not reserved on my own thoughts, in a public forum talking to those around me I tend to be more, explosive, with anguish and dispute than compassion and a mindful ear. I don’t like that I’m coming to find.
I enjoy talking about most things beyond the dreaded politics and religion. But even then, those topics are interesting to listen to because they harbor some of the most intense passions and emotional drive of any topic out there. I guess with humans especially those passionate about politics and religion is I simply lack extensive knowledge about them to find them a topic of interest. Truth is, I find them boring, never-ending, and continually frustrating on the masses of people they continually piss off. They’re toxic topics….
I have been reading and learning a lot of vulnerabilities, especially among men. Perhaps this comes from my own internal trauma and neglect and the infinite other corrupt masculinities I’ve tried to render as the social need for a gentle approach arise. I don’t pretend to know or understand things. But the things I do know I carry a fiery passion for and stress the meaning and importance for. Some of those topics are from personal interest, some are from knowledge and listening to people I admire, others are simply found by accident. Point is two topics I find to be a continual battle are truth and responsibility.
I struggle with these topics because 1. Not all people are honest, and 2. With such a plethora of platforms and people around you it’s incredibly easy to deny responsibility due to an enormous populous to place blame on.
Firstly, being honest. While I work with and see hundreds of people a month, I see so many being deceitful. Friends, colleagues, patients, even people here. I struggle to understand the rewards of lying. So many of them are silly things as well. Events that happened, places you’ve been, things you ate, money earned or people you are with. It’s baffling the reasons for a lie. I think, the main reasons for a lie beyond to avoid discipline is to be more appealing to others. We use filters to look more attractive, we have angles and lighting to look thinner or tan, we flaunt items of possessions to appear more wealthy or financially stable, we surround ourselves with people to appear more popular. Have we lost tract of being humble or simply saying what lack? We have entered such a superficial world. Masked by an array of illusions to look better for people we may or may not even like or meet.
One thing I struggle with on truth is being truthful, and respectful to argue bigger issues. Integrity is one of my greatest traits. Personally, for me it’s my staple of pride. I will throw myself under a bus before anyone can. Mostly because I will own up to my problems first before anyone can make an interpretation of what they “think” happened. Facts are my thing, at least pertaining to myself. I struggle contesting people of power with the issues I see daily simply because “I need to stay in my lane”. That’s upsetting….. Just because I have no position of power does not dismiss the facts or issues. To me that’s corruption and bothers me immensely. Power is not truth, power is opportunity.
That leads me to the second issue, responsibility.
So, knowing this what is responsibility? How do you contest dishonest people who stray or create their own truth? Where is the responsibility? I know that my own responsibility falls to me. I know to take responsibility and own up to my mistakes fully. But what of others? How do you hold others to their responsibility? I think this may be further expanded as a leadership quality. I don’t consider myself a leader by any means, more of a loose cannon with a vendetta. Morally I accept things I’ve done but I feel the other half is to manifest that responsibility to change. Transform those lessons into action.
Being truthful and responsible are difficult. Especially together. I feel there is a certain level of tact I lack. Maybe by personality, maybe by defiance, perhaps I don’t even have either of them and they are an ideology I simply want….. Regardless these are two topics I’m dedicating a lot of time and thought on. I’m trying to be better regardless.
“It is the responsibility of intellectuals to speak the truth and expose lies”- Noam Chomsky
