The most infuriating thing for me is to be stuck in something. That’s not who I am, or how I work. I am not a person to get sucked into a cycle for long. I’m so incredibly angry about it. Worst part…. My shell is cracking. I’ve always had a short fuse but I’m usually good at either getting out of the situation or coming to my senses quickly. That has not been the story as of late. I’m just so damn angry all the time.
Snapping at people close to me, snapping at my bosses, short and rude with coworkers and even my housemates have noticed my demeanor and have been more avoidant or cautious around me…. My anger is incredibly out of control and I’m truly shocked that so far things haven’t gotten out of hand yet.
While some, not all, but some of my frustrations are justified and have been acknowledged by those around me I am truly a loose cannon with this mouth of mine. I don’t mean to be so snide and malicious. I’m just fed up honestly.
I’m tired of working in a never-ending battle of “I don’t care” and “You’re supposed to fix me”. That’s not how it works. We’re here to help you start the process, but you’re the one to do the work. More alarmingly I’m seeing more professionals come through along with the regular batch of meth addicts…. Man, the world of mental health and substance abuse has ridiculously blown up. The world has literally lost its shit.
I don’t feel supported. No matter where I look there seems to be less and less spots to vent or put out a comment without someone getting all bent out of shape because you disagreed. Excuse the hell out of me for not feeling the same way. We don’t have to agree, but we damn well better have a conversation about from each side. Unfortunately, the side that’s not you seems to win regardless of logic, or evidence or support. You’re big I’m small, I’m right you’re wrong, these seem to be the phrases I hear anymore.
Though I try to do the regular things to get myself back on track my “tool kit” is falling short. No amount of exercise is dissipating the rage, no amount of food fills the stomach, no matter the hours watching movies or listening to music I can't transition the mind to new thoughts. Not even venting to friends or colleagues seems to get validation for the absolute nut house around us. I feel like an earthquake of volatile anguish towards so many around me. With so much shit happening truly out of my control I don’t even know the trigger anymore. I’m just pissed off all the time. While I do know others around me both work and personal feel the same it’s bothersome that there’s no solution. It’s literally my worst phrase ever happening all the time “It is what it is”. I HATE that phrase. That level of acceptance for the intolerable doesn’t sit well for me.
I've spent enough of my life accepting and feeling like shit. I’m in a position, or should be, where there’s something I can do to mend some portion of the cascade of shit around me, at the very damn least not wake up dreading the day.
Regardless, this is just an entry in hopes someone also feels the same. You shouldn’t wake up already hating the day. It’s just not healthy. Hopefully while I continue to brood on the events of the last few weeks, I can find some thought of what the main cause and attempt to rectify that. I’m just tired of being so damn pissed off day in and day out.
