Today while in my weekly supervision I spoke with my supervisor about some principals I was struggling with both at work and in my internship. that principal is empathy.
It started like every other meeting but towards the end I told her I has a lot of struggle with compassion and empathy for some of my select few populations. More specifically the homeless and those that utilized the system incorrectly (shelter seeking, aggressive behavior at discharges, trashing resource packets). I told her I didn't have any empathy for the homeless especially when their "life choices" ended up with them being banned from numerous shelters for aggressive behavior and not wanting to make progress in treatment but rather just wanted a place to sleep.
the issue I have is that while we provide our end of care. Medical workups, clothes, food, blankets and even some got to watch television and have extra supplies and essentials; the way they treat us at discharge is appalling. Claiming all we want is for them to freeze outside and we don't care about them. After we clearly did way more for them than our actual community.
She told me in brief, as I have made some minor disclosures about my own journey through similar situations which I ended up pulling myself our of the ditch and repairing my life.
"You are clearly an intelligent and driven man. You have overcome many barriers and have learned to use your intellect and resourcefulness to overcome those barriers and logically find a way to solve your problems. You found shelter, minded your manners and worked hard through various employments and even got an education. the double edged sword to that is while you did that, and evaded the assistance of others (family), you lost touch of your empathy and that will probably not come back. You can however still be compassionate. I see both the compassion and logic, you can't do this job without some form of both. We don't get paid a ton and we certainly have some level of compassion to keep showing up for work after the abuse we receive while trying to help others".
This hit close because she was right....
I hated my home and my family, their abuse is inexcusable and I refuse to accept an apology while the abuse is still dismissed and excused by them. claims of "what was best for you" don't stand a ceremony with me. I cut them off and I became a better person for it. I worked hard. Though I'm also sad that because of that I evaded and lost a huge portion of my emotional wellbeing. I don't get close to people..... Many relationships have failed because of that detachment. I think too logically and because of that I can solve most problems and assess situations accurately and create a good care plan and find resources for those that need them. I just can't get close to people because I don't "feel" like that is important to me. 20 years of running and I'm no step closer to feeling like I have an emotional fulfillment.
Anyway, I thought that was an important talk and needed to get it off my chest. Maybe someone else feels the same? Maybe I'm not the only one who found thinking smarter was a good way to escape abuse?