Me when i was at college, like, 16 or 17 at this time. About a year before a close friend i had at college, who sadly i grew apart from killed herself. I would've been 18 or 19 when it happened, i think. So 2 years ago around this month. The wine didn't help my breaking down this evening, remembering her, wishing i'd kept in touch with her, maybe she wouldn't have felt so alone in her depression. I kept my behaviours secret, maybe if i'd opened up, she wouldn't have felt so fucking alone. Death is a hard thing for me to grasp, i can't get a grip on it. I don't think i ever will. I should visit her grave soon, say hello, probably goodbye too, since i didn't really at her funeral. It's weird, i swear i still keep seeing her, but they're just other girls who look like her.
I had a friend a few years ago who looked up to me and this other friend of mine like big brothers he never had or whatnot. (we didn't find out till too late) He reminded me of myself when I was 18, and was going through a very similar girl problem. He invited me to hang out more and for a couple reasons I never got around to going to more parties with him. He blew his head off. At the funeral we found out we were his idols. I liked him. I blame myself partly, for unmentioned reasons.