arinnikole

Grr... I'm soo sick of being in love! Why can I not just be happy for once in my life? What's a girl to do just to get a decent man that "truly" appreciates her? I am one of the best girlfriends he could ever have... I treat him like fucking gold. I never, ever cheated on him; the thought never even crossed my mind. I'm there for him through all his hard times and bullshit and he says I'm the only person in his life who really cares about him and truly understands him and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him... so why treat me like shit??? I don't understand. When we're together things are always wonderful, but it's when he's not with me that sucks.. when he's "too busy" with his (drugs) to make time for me. He used to be here with me every single night and now it's rarely at all. And I know there's more out there and that I'm a pretty woman and can get another man, but the problem is... I don't want anyone else. I've tried to move on in the past, but I can never look past him enough to be able to find myself interested in anyone else. The only time I was ever into someone other than him was a female and that just never works out either. There's only ever been two girls I've been really into in my life, but they were both "attached", basically, had a boyfriend. So I don't know.. I know I'm in a bad situation with my man, but he's like Home to me. It's hard to explain. Only those who've been through it would understand. When I'm with him, I'm soo completely happy... the days when it's just me, him and my daughter. We always have fun together and that's when I feel complete. Speaking of that, what sucks is even if I tried to move on with someone else, we are going to Jamaica for a week in September for his birthday and my college graduation and the whole trip is booked and paid for. So sometimes I wonder what's even the point of moving on because I know when we're on vacation together I'll fall right back in love with him anyways. I wish writing out my feelings would help me figure this out, but the only good thing out of it is letting out a little stress. This has been going on a 4 year ordeal/relationship with him and I guess maybe that's why it's hard to let go or maybe because he's my first real love? Who the hell knows anymore. I guess all I can do is deal with it and not let it get me down to the point that I can't concentrate on school and the rest of my life.. But I feel a lot better after venting. There will probably be alot more of this to come for a while, haha.