arielcupcakes

So I still haven't left. Since I'm not using right now, I'm no one's priority & God knows when I'll actually leave for rehab. But I'm out of pain killers, so my using status might go back to active rather soon. I don't get my paycheck until tomorrow, I don't know if I can wait that long but I guess I'll have to.

I talked to Asher today, he's out of jail & in a 28 day rehab program. I found out he told his parents, our friend, our friend's parents, & some other people about something very personal, embarassing, & possibly incriminating... I'm wondering if he did it because I told a few people about what happened to him. I guess it's pretty much the same thing, I can't really be mad at him, I see my situation as a bit different than his but he might not see it that way & I guess I should accept that.

Last night I got really depressed. I'd been taking pain killers all day & they weren't working, so I wasn't happy & I couldn't sleep, I've been relying on the pills for those functions. I stayed up until 6 this morning crying about Asher. Everything keeps replaying in my head, which since I got my pain killers, hasn't been a problem.

Everytime I get clean, it seems harder than the last. I got all the NA literature last night. I'm too... I don't have the energy to read it though.

This thing keeps happening where it's really hard for me to breathe, it feels like there's already too much air in my lungs or something.

I need a cigarette. I need dope. I'm so lonely. I wish I had people from NA to call who could get me through this, one thing I will never be is self-sufficient.