arielcupcakes

This weekend I ran away. I don't even know how many days it was.

We emptied a bottle of klonopin and god knows how many bottles of wine.

I did something I wasn't supposed to do. Many times. And I have the vaguest recollection it happened. Though I couldn't tell you how it started.

I can predict, however, everything ending badly... seeing as how trust might be important to him. I always told myself that, anyways.

Someone to love, and you fuck it up.

I've never been this dissapointed in myself.

EDIT: He appreciates me in ways that Chris never will. He's the worst thing that could ever happen to me but he's just what I've always wanted. It's upsetting that Chris isn't even mad, because this is all about getting even in his eyes. I don't know what to do. I didn't think I'd ever be in a position where I'd have to choose.

He said, "I mean, I can wait weeks or months, maybe years I dont care, I've never met someone like you, I want to love you. I might love you already I dont know."

And the other night, before all of this, he wrote this...

When I fall it's always hard pavement without feathers and pink
like those times you can't think because your swollen
a heartache allergic pollen pollination always
fleeting in dreams because you were never real
you touched me through pixels and things ill never understand
technological tingles like my body fell asleep
under the pressure of hapless love
an ambiguous word murders me every time
because I'll never understand patience
and I can never take a hint.

That was before he even knew how I felt. That was when it was only Chris. Why can't I handle solitude? Why does it drive me to hurt the one person I claim to care about more than anyone else?

My nose is bleeding. Mmm.