My Livejournal post, cause I'm sad and lazy.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Remember this weekend, how I was so excited about it?
Yeah, silly me.
I didn't get to go to Kristen's wedding because my ride was about 2 hours late. I'm sure she will understand.
Mark and Will came to pick me up, and we went to Radford. Apparently this weekend was Highlander Days, which is a little festival where they have folk music, booths where people are selling various Celtic paraphenalia, and lots and lots of food. Not to mention men and women who look like men throwing heavy things. Unfortunately, since we got there kind of late, most of the excitement had passed.
Debbie and Elizabeth were there, and Debbie and I got within 2 feet of each other without either one of us bursting into flames. She still looks like she has forgotten how to eat, and she didn't even sit at the table with everyone at dinner. Instead, she stood in a corner at the entrance to the restuarant with her ear glued to her cellphone, talking to Philipp. I know it sounds perfectly terrible, but I can always count on that girl to make me feel better about myself.
The rest the night consisted of just random fucking around. Watched Anime Hell 0 and 3, and I realized just how tainted my mind has become since I barely flinched during 0.
Despite all of this, I still was not happy. I still felt uneasy, out of place, scattered. I didn't feel as if I could participate in the conversation. I felt completely boring. I kept wondering what was wrong we me. I was with my old friends from High School, why was I not any happier than at Tech?
Mark and I had to sleep in Norman's roomate's bed, who is a bro, and his bed smelled like Axe. I barely slept, and felt like shit for most of today.
I suppose that most of my conflicted feelings are stemming from my relationship with Mark. It is still so incredibly obvious that he wants to be with me. When I'm near him, all I want to do is be close to him. When I am close to him, It just doesn't feel right, and it makes me really sad. Being with him makes me heart feel heavy. I just started crying as I am typing this because just thinking about it fills me with such terribly sad emotions.
When we got back to Tech, we took Will to Fun N' Games to play some Warhammer. My roommate wasn't here, so Mark and I decided to take a nap, because I was completely exhausted. Once again, having him near me made me so sad that I couldn't sleep and I just broke down instead. It's not very comforting to be crying into the arms of the person whose presence makes you sad.
I really don't know how to handle these feelings. Mark has been my best friend for the past 2 years, and now I don't know if I can emotionally stand being near him anymore.
I feel so distant and fragmented from everyone.
It's not like I haven't been trying. I've been expending more effort in socializing in these past 2 months than I have in my entire life.
It seems that no matter how hard I try each week to take steps to make my life/outlook more positive, my Sunday nights still end with me in a fit of tears and uncertainty.
My mother informed me a couple days ago that she will be spending this next weekend in Lynchburg with her boyfriend, and she asked if I would like to come along so I can visit people at LC. I was greatly considering asking if I would be welcome, but after this weekend, I can't help but ask myself "why bother". I feel like I'm going to be unhappy no matter how many measures I take to become happy. I also must admit that one of the causes for my hesitation (especially after this weekend) is the fear that I will feel the same way as I did for Mark towards the only other person who was capable of making me feel comfortable/at ease/ optimistic. I think that if I lost that too, it would break me.
I am so unmotivated. I still have no idea what I'm doing here, or whether I should stay or try to find some other place to go.
I am tired of having to distract myself. I want to actually enjoy the things that I do.
All I want to do is listen to melodic folk music, knit,read, and drink tea.
I miss hot showers,baking,and my kitty. =^-^=
I miss feeling loved and being able to love.
I wish I knew where to go from here.
Someone show me which road to take.
Someone push me in the right direction.
Remember this weekend, how I was so excited about it?
Yeah, silly me.
I didn't get to go to Kristen's wedding because my ride was about 2 hours late. I'm sure she will understand.
Mark and Will came to pick me up, and we went to Radford. Apparently this weekend was Highlander Days, which is a little festival where they have folk music, booths where people are selling various Celtic paraphenalia, and lots and lots of food. Not to mention men and women who look like men throwing heavy things. Unfortunately, since we got there kind of late, most of the excitement had passed.
Debbie and Elizabeth were there, and Debbie and I got within 2 feet of each other without either one of us bursting into flames. She still looks like she has forgotten how to eat, and she didn't even sit at the table with everyone at dinner. Instead, she stood in a corner at the entrance to the restuarant with her ear glued to her cellphone, talking to Philipp. I know it sounds perfectly terrible, but I can always count on that girl to make me feel better about myself.
The rest the night consisted of just random fucking around. Watched Anime Hell 0 and 3, and I realized just how tainted my mind has become since I barely flinched during 0.
Despite all of this, I still was not happy. I still felt uneasy, out of place, scattered. I didn't feel as if I could participate in the conversation. I felt completely boring. I kept wondering what was wrong we me. I was with my old friends from High School, why was I not any happier than at Tech?
Mark and I had to sleep in Norman's roomate's bed, who is a bro, and his bed smelled like Axe. I barely slept, and felt like shit for most of today.
I suppose that most of my conflicted feelings are stemming from my relationship with Mark. It is still so incredibly obvious that he wants to be with me. When I'm near him, all I want to do is be close to him. When I am close to him, It just doesn't feel right, and it makes me really sad. Being with him makes me heart feel heavy. I just started crying as I am typing this because just thinking about it fills me with such terribly sad emotions.
When we got back to Tech, we took Will to Fun N' Games to play some Warhammer. My roommate wasn't here, so Mark and I decided to take a nap, because I was completely exhausted. Once again, having him near me made me so sad that I couldn't sleep and I just broke down instead. It's not very comforting to be crying into the arms of the person whose presence makes you sad.
I really don't know how to handle these feelings. Mark has been my best friend for the past 2 years, and now I don't know if I can emotionally stand being near him anymore.
I feel so distant and fragmented from everyone.
It's not like I haven't been trying. I've been expending more effort in socializing in these past 2 months than I have in my entire life.
It seems that no matter how hard I try each week to take steps to make my life/outlook more positive, my Sunday nights still end with me in a fit of tears and uncertainty.
My mother informed me a couple days ago that she will be spending this next weekend in Lynchburg with her boyfriend, and she asked if I would like to come along so I can visit people at LC. I was greatly considering asking if I would be welcome, but after this weekend, I can't help but ask myself "why bother". I feel like I'm going to be unhappy no matter how many measures I take to become happy. I also must admit that one of the causes for my hesitation (especially after this weekend) is the fear that I will feel the same way as I did for Mark towards the only other person who was capable of making me feel comfortable/at ease/ optimistic. I think that if I lost that too, it would break me.
I am so unmotivated. I still have no idea what I'm doing here, or whether I should stay or try to find some other place to go.
I am tired of having to distract myself. I want to actually enjoy the things that I do.
All I want to do is listen to melodic folk music, knit,read, and drink tea.
I miss hot showers,baking,and my kitty. =^-^=
I miss feeling loved and being able to love.
I wish I knew where to go from here.
Someone show me which road to take.
Someone push me in the right direction.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
My mom comforted me by telling me that at least God knows that we did our best and loved and cared for one of his creations. I'm not religious,but it makes me feel better anyway.