I posted this on my livejournal last night at around 3am.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Things have not been looking up.
My depression and anxiety have been becoming increasingly unbearable with each passing day.
I can not walk to class without becoming claustrophobic because of all the people around me.
My chest is always tight, I'm always shaking,my stomach is always in knots, and my vision is constantly clouded by tears.
I think the most challenging aspects of this episode of depression are the fact that I have no corporal person to turn to. Also, I can not get away from people. When I used to get really upset, I would just lock myself in my room and do whatever it took to feel better. Sometimes this meant inflicting physical harm upon myself, other times it just meant listening to really loud music, watching a movie that would make me cry, or read a book that moved me. I can't get AWAY from people here. No matter where I go, no matter how far I walk, there are people. And this means that I am in a constant state of anxiety. This is not healthy, and will most definitely begin to put a large amount of strain on me physically.
Yes,I made the conscious decision back when I was 15, after being put on drug after drug, with the only results to become a zombie and drop to 115lbs, to battle with my depression unaided by chemicals. Yes, this probably makes the battle harder in some aspects, but at least I am capable of FEELING, even if those feelings are daunting and overwhelming and just plain horrible most of the time. I continue to believe that I have made the correct decision for myself. Even if I do have to feel those terrible feelings throughout most of my life, at least I am capable of feelings the good feelings, no matter how few and far between they are, at least they ARE.
I don't think people understand how dealing with a mental disease like depression or anxiety makes everyday life so much more difficult, and simply exhausting. And I have to deal with both of them at once (I never just have one without the other).
I am thankful that I have kept myself from reaching the state of psychosis that I hit when I was 15-16. Recently, I have had far less control over my diseases, and I'm terrified that I will essentially be driven crazy again.
The ONLY relief I can seem to find in this is reading my children's lit books, and Kendo. I have only been to 2 practices of Kendo, and it's fucking intense, but needless to say, when you're doing something so physically intense, you don't have time to think. It takes all I have just to concentrate on everything. Correct foot position, hold the sword correctly, move your feet correctly, keep them the same distance apart, swing correctly, right hand above left, swing with left arm, keep weight on left foot, don't lean forward.... it goes on and on
I talked to Travis today for the first time in a couple days. I know I frustrate him immensely. I don't blame him. I shouldn't expect him to understand. He acts like it's just that I'm not happy and need time to adjust. I told him that I'm mentally ill, it's not just some "adjustment phase". I think he was skeptical. I really hope he can understand. I really need his support right now, and he can't support me if he doesn't understand what I'm experiencing. But I can't expect a mentally healthy person to understand what it's like to literally be a prisoner inside your own psyche.
Which brings me to the admission that the thought "what the hell am I doing here?" crosses my mind numerous times throughout the day. I honestly have never had a desire to go to college. I only went because I was told time and time again that I HAVE to go to college, I MUST go to college. The truth is, I never felt like I learned much in school. The only things I have learned that actually MEANT something to me I learned on my own. When I used to go see psychologists, I would tell them more about my disease than they could tell me. I would discuss psychology with them. I know that reading books won't get me a degree, but it's discouraging, to go through all of this. I don't enjoy it, it puts a strain on my physically and mentally, and I come out of school with good grades, but nothing more to show for it.
Travis suggested that I try and find a way to get out of my housing contract so I can get an apartment. I think this would be great for me... but I looked at the restrictions for getting out of a housing contract, and they don't look promising. Basically, I have to submit a written proposal, the Contract Review Committee will review it, and then they will call me for a hearing, I have to show proof as to why I should be let out of my housing contract,which means I would probably have to see the university's psychologist and convince them that I'm too mentally unstable to live on campus. Then they make their decision. Then I have to find an apartment around here.... Easy peasy ,right? Not helping my optimism.
I can't help but wonder if college really is for me. My father didn't go to a university for the same reasons that I'm having such a difficult time here. I really have no idea what I want to do. Sure, psychology fascinates me, especially abnormal psychology, but how the hell am I supposed to become a good clinical psychologist when I am so mentally unstable and so full of neuroses I'm surprised they're not coming out of my ass.
Travis says that I may be happier at a smaller school. This is a possibility I suppose, although I am becoming more and more convinced that I will never be happy no matter where I go or what I do. I'm not at all attached to this school. I just arbitrarily chose this school. It was a "that'll do" type of thing. I really didn't do any research, no looking around. I just wanted to get accepted to a college and get it over with. Of course, at the time, I did a pretty damn good job of convincing myself that I really did want to go here, but truthfully, I had no preference.
I really want to have a good life. I truthfully do. But I honestly am beginning to believe that is an impossibility for me.
I have met a couple of cool people. However, I do not want to talk to them because I know that I will not be able to carry on a productive conversation. All of my words, just like all of my thoughts, will be full of negativity. No one wants to be around someone like that. I feel so guilty for laying all of my problems on someone else. I can't show the people I meet here my true self, but who I really am goes into recession when I am deeply depressed. I don't recognize the person I am, and it makes me angry, and it makes me feel lost and empty.
I am not me.
Do you ever look in the mirror, and not recognize the person you see? Not only that, but despise the person you see?
The person I really am isn't cynical and hopeless and angry and miserable and void and selfish and insecure.
The person I really am is passionate, and selfless, and determined, and uninhibited, and confident, and cares deeply for those close to her.
Who is this person I see? I recognize you, but you are not welcome here.
I want to get better. But how? How do I deal with this. I feel like I'm on my own. I feel like everyone THINKS they understand, but no one truly does understand.
At least I have Elliot Smith ( I think I may have posted this song previously)
"A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free"
I'm floating in a black balloon
O.D. on Easter afternoon
My mama told me "Baby stay clean
There's no in-between"
And all you ladies and you gentlemen
Between is all you've ever seen or been
Fit poorly and arrange the sight
Doll it up in virgin white
You disappoint me, you people raking in on the world
The devil's script sells you the heart of a blackbird
Shine on me baby, 'cause it's raining in my heart
Sun's rising on a chopping glare
Rain dropping acid bought up in the air
A distorted reality's now a necessity to be free
It's so disappointing
First I put it all down to luck
God knows why my country don't give a fuck
Fuck
Shine on me baby, 'cause it's raining in my heart
Shine on me baby, 'cause it's raining in my heart
Things have not been looking up.
My depression and anxiety have been becoming increasingly unbearable with each passing day.
I can not walk to class without becoming claustrophobic because of all the people around me.
My chest is always tight, I'm always shaking,my stomach is always in knots, and my vision is constantly clouded by tears.
I think the most challenging aspects of this episode of depression are the fact that I have no corporal person to turn to. Also, I can not get away from people. When I used to get really upset, I would just lock myself in my room and do whatever it took to feel better. Sometimes this meant inflicting physical harm upon myself, other times it just meant listening to really loud music, watching a movie that would make me cry, or read a book that moved me. I can't get AWAY from people here. No matter where I go, no matter how far I walk, there are people. And this means that I am in a constant state of anxiety. This is not healthy, and will most definitely begin to put a large amount of strain on me physically.
Yes,I made the conscious decision back when I was 15, after being put on drug after drug, with the only results to become a zombie and drop to 115lbs, to battle with my depression unaided by chemicals. Yes, this probably makes the battle harder in some aspects, but at least I am capable of FEELING, even if those feelings are daunting and overwhelming and just plain horrible most of the time. I continue to believe that I have made the correct decision for myself. Even if I do have to feel those terrible feelings throughout most of my life, at least I am capable of feelings the good feelings, no matter how few and far between they are, at least they ARE.
I don't think people understand how dealing with a mental disease like depression or anxiety makes everyday life so much more difficult, and simply exhausting. And I have to deal with both of them at once (I never just have one without the other).
I am thankful that I have kept myself from reaching the state of psychosis that I hit when I was 15-16. Recently, I have had far less control over my diseases, and I'm terrified that I will essentially be driven crazy again.
The ONLY relief I can seem to find in this is reading my children's lit books, and Kendo. I have only been to 2 practices of Kendo, and it's fucking intense, but needless to say, when you're doing something so physically intense, you don't have time to think. It takes all I have just to concentrate on everything. Correct foot position, hold the sword correctly, move your feet correctly, keep them the same distance apart, swing correctly, right hand above left, swing with left arm, keep weight on left foot, don't lean forward.... it goes on and on
I talked to Travis today for the first time in a couple days. I know I frustrate him immensely. I don't blame him. I shouldn't expect him to understand. He acts like it's just that I'm not happy and need time to adjust. I told him that I'm mentally ill, it's not just some "adjustment phase". I think he was skeptical. I really hope he can understand. I really need his support right now, and he can't support me if he doesn't understand what I'm experiencing. But I can't expect a mentally healthy person to understand what it's like to literally be a prisoner inside your own psyche.
Which brings me to the admission that the thought "what the hell am I doing here?" crosses my mind numerous times throughout the day. I honestly have never had a desire to go to college. I only went because I was told time and time again that I HAVE to go to college, I MUST go to college. The truth is, I never felt like I learned much in school. The only things I have learned that actually MEANT something to me I learned on my own. When I used to go see psychologists, I would tell them more about my disease than they could tell me. I would discuss psychology with them. I know that reading books won't get me a degree, but it's discouraging, to go through all of this. I don't enjoy it, it puts a strain on my physically and mentally, and I come out of school with good grades, but nothing more to show for it.
Travis suggested that I try and find a way to get out of my housing contract so I can get an apartment. I think this would be great for me... but I looked at the restrictions for getting out of a housing contract, and they don't look promising. Basically, I have to submit a written proposal, the Contract Review Committee will review it, and then they will call me for a hearing, I have to show proof as to why I should be let out of my housing contract,which means I would probably have to see the university's psychologist and convince them that I'm too mentally unstable to live on campus. Then they make their decision. Then I have to find an apartment around here.... Easy peasy ,right? Not helping my optimism.
I can't help but wonder if college really is for me. My father didn't go to a university for the same reasons that I'm having such a difficult time here. I really have no idea what I want to do. Sure, psychology fascinates me, especially abnormal psychology, but how the hell am I supposed to become a good clinical psychologist when I am so mentally unstable and so full of neuroses I'm surprised they're not coming out of my ass.
Travis says that I may be happier at a smaller school. This is a possibility I suppose, although I am becoming more and more convinced that I will never be happy no matter where I go or what I do. I'm not at all attached to this school. I just arbitrarily chose this school. It was a "that'll do" type of thing. I really didn't do any research, no looking around. I just wanted to get accepted to a college and get it over with. Of course, at the time, I did a pretty damn good job of convincing myself that I really did want to go here, but truthfully, I had no preference.
I really want to have a good life. I truthfully do. But I honestly am beginning to believe that is an impossibility for me.
I have met a couple of cool people. However, I do not want to talk to them because I know that I will not be able to carry on a productive conversation. All of my words, just like all of my thoughts, will be full of negativity. No one wants to be around someone like that. I feel so guilty for laying all of my problems on someone else. I can't show the people I meet here my true self, but who I really am goes into recession when I am deeply depressed. I don't recognize the person I am, and it makes me angry, and it makes me feel lost and empty.
I am not me.
Do you ever look in the mirror, and not recognize the person you see? Not only that, but despise the person you see?
The person I really am isn't cynical and hopeless and angry and miserable and void and selfish and insecure.
The person I really am is passionate, and selfless, and determined, and uninhibited, and confident, and cares deeply for those close to her.
Who is this person I see? I recognize you, but you are not welcome here.
I want to get better. But how? How do I deal with this. I feel like I'm on my own. I feel like everyone THINKS they understand, but no one truly does understand.
At least I have Elliot Smith ( I think I may have posted this song previously)
"A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free"
I'm floating in a black balloon
O.D. on Easter afternoon
My mama told me "Baby stay clean
There's no in-between"
And all you ladies and you gentlemen
Between is all you've ever seen or been
Fit poorly and arrange the sight
Doll it up in virgin white
You disappoint me, you people raking in on the world
The devil's script sells you the heart of a blackbird
Shine on me baby, 'cause it's raining in my heart
Sun's rising on a chopping glare
Rain dropping acid bought up in the air
A distorted reality's now a necessity to be free
It's so disappointing
First I put it all down to luck
God knows why my country don't give a fuck
Fuck
Shine on me baby, 'cause it's raining in my heart
Shine on me baby, 'cause it's raining in my heart
So... What do you think?
Am I crazy?
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
I remember grappling with a lot of the same problems when I first moved out, ESPECIALLY the frustration of not having time or a space to be alone. I think we're similar in the fact that we'll live in our heads when we go through depression or rough patches, and from all the internal dwelling, the anxiety builds and you feel like you're going to explode. Not fun.
Keep your chin up, sweetheart. Try not to be weighed down by pain..it doesn't mean anything in the long run. I know it's hard, you feel alone, and the added problem of depression and anxiety can only stand to make it even more difficult. But don't EVER give up. You're alive, and you can do anything you want.
So never mind what other people would or might do in your situation, what you think is expected of you, or even what Travis says you might like...what do YOU want? I'm sincerely hoping that things will get better, dear. And if I can help in ANY way...
plus, i see that you are from danville, and as somebody who loved there for a while (worst part of my life, bar none) i can understand how that can make anyone hate life.
anyways, i know im a fucking stranger but if you want an ear, im willing.