argonautgod

"BOOM! HEADSHOT!" - quote of the year to date.

To all those dropping by that has that special someone to spend yesterday with, to get all and with. I sincerely hope you had a jolly wonderful time, long may it reign. Yes, indeed.

To all those that didn't: Ain't freedom fun?

I mean take me, yesterday. If I had a significant other I'd be wining, dining and spine to pining her. Admittedly that would be pretty cool.

But it would have meant I'd have missed last night's poker game:

*****

'R u up fr pqr 2nite lol rofl cock fag noob rotflmao' - the Hindu Cow's texting me to get a game organised.

When myself , the Egg and the Hindu Cow it's like Eubank, Benn and Collins getting in the same ring.

The Egg is Eubank, the poker extrovert, does nearly everything with exaggeration and arrogance. The Hindu Cow is Collins, technically gifted and really hard to break down. Then there's me, Benn, takes blows but comes back hitting harder.

There's little mathematics and reasoning when we play. Instinct takes over. Brutality dictates who wins.

*****

So I get this text message and start thinking about the last time we played and what I did wrong.

Then I realised:

On no accounts commit all your chips on any bluff.

Even if it's the Egg.

*****

We're about 70 mins into the game. The Hindu Cow is leading with about 28,000. I've got 18,000. Egg's got 14,000. Blinds are nothing at the moment. Still plenty of play before the scrapping starts.

Tonight Egg has something on me. He's reading me like a book. He knows when I have something and when I don't. He lets me know it, just like a little Eubank. Like a little Benn, this pisses me off.

I'm dealt AS 6S in the small blind. Hindu folds. I raise 500. The Egg, with extreme disdain, flings 500 in the pot. My blood starts to boils. He sees this.

The flop comes 3C 4S QD. I'm thinking this is harmless and Egg's shiteing it. I bet 1,500. Egg, with even more disdain that before, like he's tossing a fly from his fish soup, calls. I'm really beginning to get mad. I really just want to smash him up something rotten.

QS hits. Four spades, I have a flush. I look at Egg. He doesn't like it. If I keep this cheap I might be able to buy another card and put another move on him.

I bet 1,500.

He raises 3,000.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?

I'm not buying he's got the queen. I know him well enough that he's not sandbagging the straight. There's no way in hell he'd call a raise pre-flop with a 3 or 4. He's shiteing it.

I put him all in.

Egg jumps back. That swagger is gone now. Does he want to hit the bricks now or get out. It would take the nerves of steel or the the sense of a snapdragon to call an all-in if you don't have that queen.

Egg exhales hard. He calls. WTF?

Egg says, "If you have anything you're winning."

I turn over my AS 6S.

The cocky bastard smiles, "Can read you like a book." He shows 4C 6C. The Bastard. The little Eubank bastard. It's an absolutely incredible call, trumping the fold he made earlier holding top pair with an ace kicker against Hindu's 2 pair.

I'm not dead. Although he's a 70% favourite to win the hand if a spade hits, he's out. If an Ace hits, he's out.

But he's got that look in his eyes. That look that says 'I'll never let you forget this until you're deep in the dirt, cock fag.'

The last card is dealt.

Ace of Hearts.

"EAT SHIT, COCK FAG!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Egg throws his hands in the air DISGUSTED. I rake his chips. Hindu browbeats Egg about getting in too deep with such a weak hand.

Egg whines, "But I had him. I knew I had him." He's really hacked off. He's ignored by me and Hindu as we're Heads-Up.

*****

The secrets to playing Hndu heads-up are to get the chip lead, make big ass raises that commits a fair size of his stack and get him gambling.

Unfortunately when you're being dealt dreck you can only do so much with your chips.

Finally I'm dealt AS 5D. Any ace head up is strong. I raise 500. He calls.

The flop comes down 10S 10D 7H. Seems pretty harmless. My ace is probably good. I bet 500.

He raises 3,000. The swine.

I actually growl pissed off. If Hindu starts making moves heads-up you need incredible timing to knock in back to earth and then you have to break him.

I'm also pissed because he made the exact same move last hand.

So I look at my cards again, convince myself he's shiteing it and shift all my chips in. For the second time I defied my pre-game rule for the exact same reason - impulse.

I'm convinced my Ace is good. I look to Hindu. He's shifting, he's groaning. He's playing with his cards. At this moment I'm wondering what's taking so long. I've caught his fingers in the jam jar. But why isn't he laying it down?

5 minutes later he passes utterly dejected. He has the grace to show his strong card (as opposed to Egg, who in similar situations will show his weak card).

He shows 7S. I've just taken the guy off 2 pair with my Ace high.

Out of sheer respect (Collins and Benn had respect) I show him my bluff.

He groans wounded, heart broken. "I wish you hadn't shown me that," he says.

Me and the Egg exchange looks. Why?

Hindu shows his kicker. An Ace.

I just took the Hindu Cow off a pot where I, mathematically, had almost zero chance of winning!

As much heartbreak he feels, I'm three times as euphoric.

Now a poker player has to have a similar psyche to a cornerback - always forget the last play/hand.

Hindu didn't. Three hands later I've got him all in on pocket 8's and he's on the ropes. He's arguing that he can fold this hand and still have some play. He's again taking his time until Egg catches a flash of his hand and implores him to call.

Hindu weakly obliges. He shows AK suited. The strongest staring no-pair in hold'em and alive against any pair except Aces and barely against Kings. For him to spend this long over such a simple call means one thing: I've broken him.

It's still a 50-50 hand though.

First card is dealt. Hindu calls for a King. It's a KING! Bastard.

Next card is dealt. I call for an 8. It's an 8!!! YES!!!!

The rest of the flop is academic. Hindu loses dejected. I win an absolutely brutal game of poker in the most brutal way possible. Drago couldn't break me last night. Capone couldn't have massacred me last night. I was untouchable.

And it was sweet.

*****

For me Valentine's Day has changed.

It will forever be the anniversary when three friends smashed each other up brutally over a friendly game of cards and coming out with a stronger bond of friendship and kinsmanship than before.

And those feelings will last longer than any fucking rose.

*****

If you made this far, thanks.

You're a real friend.