First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow. Old man says "Wait up... I'll get my hat."
An Aussie jockey was sitting at a bar in Frankston when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the little Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the little Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the toilet and, as he walks by the little Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The little Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard still sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.
The little Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a fucking crowbar from Bunnings."
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a man named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling tired and dejected.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started at him: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual roll in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a large whisky and headed off for a long soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bathtub the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realising what a day he must have had, she relented a bit and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband's rear view greeted her as he bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Joan, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Oh my!" shouts Sister Mary, the younger of the two nuns. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says the older & wiser Sister Joan. Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" shouts Sister Mary.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Joan. Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" yells Sister Mary. "Show him your cross," says Sister Joan. "Now you're talking," says Sister Mary. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car you cunt!"
Last one...
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."