arbitraria

so...i've been wanting to write more since my last entry, but not quite sure what to say. right now i'm at my friend nicole's...she and our friend chris are out in the living room playing mario kart on wii while i'm in the spare room catching a moment to myself. one of the cats, thora, has just joined me...her tail is swinging over my hands as i type. she's such a sweetheart, she's been so nurturing to me while i've been sad. i love animals so dearly for that...i miss my little kitty man at times like these.

wow that was fucking boring and rambling. yeah, i'm a little drunk. nicki made me a couple of cosmos and they were rather strong. hrm. feeling somewhat numb which i guess is better than earlier when i was really out of it and just anxious and kind of depressed. the past few days have been better...i finally saw him on monday, got to talk things out somewhat. i needed that sense of closure in some weird way. work helps a lot, being busy keeps my mind occupied and moving in a more positive direction.

i feel like i'm in some strange sort of limbo...i'm still sad, melancholy...but i feel a little more normal. feeling like it's time to let go, getting closer, but it seems so odd. i'm always bad at picking up and moving on, i hang onto things way too much. i know i'm progressing somewhat, it's better than it has been in the past, but still, i wish i could just move forward more easily. i just tell myself that every time i'm faced with something so heartwrenching i just need to learn, to contemplate, to react differently than i have in the past, and make the best out of a shitty situation. it's all i can really do.

so i just try to think about the future...the immediate future, anyway. i have to finesse my outline for my thesis in the next week, send that off to my advisor, get ready for the fall semester. keep doing well at work. save money and move out by october, november at the latest. i can't wait to have a place of my own. i've never had my very own home before...i don't really count a single in a dorm back in college. it's going to be so liberating, i just wish i could do it now, i need that new chapter of my life to start. but that's my impatience peeking out yet again...

i'm so bad when it comes to train of consciousness. i could babble forever. i don't really know what else to say, just that writing is cathartic and even if nobody reads this far, i know it's still good for me to get things out of my system. i'm so thankful for my friends and my shrink over the past few weeks, they've been amazing. i don't know what i would do without them. i still feel incredibly lonely though...but i know it's going to take time to get past that. the emptiness will be there for a while, i have to accept it. be kind to myself and keep living. i miss him...this reality is surreal. i'm sure soon i'll settle into some kind of normalcy and feel okay again. it just takes time.