I hate being depressed. Well, i would hate it, except that part of being depressed is not really feeling much.
I feel like i should apologize to the poele who read this for being all negative, but i guess that it's my journal, in a way it's not here to please anyone but myself. . . which is not to say i don't want people to be happy and uplifted by what i write, i do, but. . .
Its not like i'm depressed "about" anything. Its not like that. I just went to dinner nad i was laughing and joking with poeple there, it's not like i am in a bad mood or something, but i was certainly depressed the whole time i was there. I guess it has been about a week now. I'm not sure. I was trying to say i was stressed or in a bad mood or whatever but today i have to admit, i am depressed.
I called J before. he was watching a movie with friends. I was trying to take a nap but i couldn't sleep and i missed him so i called. He was like "did you call about anything in particular? i'm watching a movie." and i got all upset because i took it like he had no time for me. We had a huge fight about it because i basically got myself all worked up over nothing. Its not like it's the first time this has happened either. . . it kind of happens a lot. If i had said, "could you talk to me for a few minutes and then keep watching your movie?" it would all have been fine, instead of being like "Why don't you ever have time for me!" which is totally not true and pretty unfair, 'specially since this is the last night he will be at his school with these folks. And then it ended up with me thinking we should break up because i am a no-good girlfriend, which he says is up to him to decide. And i was all crying my heart out because i am just so miserable, and i make it worse by treating people i care about this way, and its so discouraging. I don't want to feel this way, but much more than that i dont want to ACT this way. its crappy and not respectable, and not nice, and not loving or caring. I am so sick of myself, or at least of this sort of behavior. I have sooo much good in me, but sometimes it really just gets swallowed up by. . . whatever this is.
When i ws a teenager and felt this way, i never thought it would last. People make light of it, say that's how being a teenager is. Well now i'm not that far from thirty. . . not a teen anymore. I refuse to go through the rest of my life this way. I don't want to be like my mom, who is still alone because she could never handle a relationship. I don't want to end up like my friend Bob, who was a great friend to evreyone, had so much enthusiasm and energy, right up until he shot himself in his late 40's. I want to be one of those people who looks BACK on this. hell i want to be looking back on it already.
I don't wnt to lose J. To be honest, he is almost ridiculously faithful. He doesn't "just take it," but he somehow accepts me and my pain and when i cry and explain why i said the hurtful things i did, he actually listens and understands and thinks i make sense. That's not something i take for granted. Its something that makes me feel very humble and, well to be honest, like i have something i don't quite deserve. I know better, but thats how it feels when i feel this way.
I am going to drive my broken car to the health food store to get some St Johnswort tincture. I don't take it often, but i think this warrants it and i just used the last of the bottle i had.
Also i am glad i get to be alone tonight and tomorrow. I am going to do a full moon ritual tonight if it kills me (which it won't). I need it like i need blood. Ooh, that sounded all vampiric
i meant something like, i need it like i need air. Yeah, that sounds a bit more reasonable.
I kinda wish there were something a bit more productive that i could do with these downtimes. . . Robert Smith certainly turned it to his advantage.
Ah well. Whatever.
My best friend just called, we are going to go to the store together. She can get some chocolate while i get St. Johnswort.
Don't anyone worry about me. I am fine. . . things are not terrible. I am just exploring some things here in this journal rather than keeping everything hidden and safe. . . because that is what it is here for, at least, that's one of the things. be well
I feel like i should apologize to the poele who read this for being all negative, but i guess that it's my journal, in a way it's not here to please anyone but myself. . . which is not to say i don't want people to be happy and uplifted by what i write, i do, but. . .
Its not like i'm depressed "about" anything. Its not like that. I just went to dinner nad i was laughing and joking with poeple there, it's not like i am in a bad mood or something, but i was certainly depressed the whole time i was there. I guess it has been about a week now. I'm not sure. I was trying to say i was stressed or in a bad mood or whatever but today i have to admit, i am depressed.
I called J before. he was watching a movie with friends. I was trying to take a nap but i couldn't sleep and i missed him so i called. He was like "did you call about anything in particular? i'm watching a movie." and i got all upset because i took it like he had no time for me. We had a huge fight about it because i basically got myself all worked up over nothing. Its not like it's the first time this has happened either. . . it kind of happens a lot. If i had said, "could you talk to me for a few minutes and then keep watching your movie?" it would all have been fine, instead of being like "Why don't you ever have time for me!" which is totally not true and pretty unfair, 'specially since this is the last night he will be at his school with these folks. And then it ended up with me thinking we should break up because i am a no-good girlfriend, which he says is up to him to decide. And i was all crying my heart out because i am just so miserable, and i make it worse by treating people i care about this way, and its so discouraging. I don't want to feel this way, but much more than that i dont want to ACT this way. its crappy and not respectable, and not nice, and not loving or caring. I am so sick of myself, or at least of this sort of behavior. I have sooo much good in me, but sometimes it really just gets swallowed up by. . . whatever this is.
When i ws a teenager and felt this way, i never thought it would last. People make light of it, say that's how being a teenager is. Well now i'm not that far from thirty. . . not a teen anymore. I refuse to go through the rest of my life this way. I don't want to be like my mom, who is still alone because she could never handle a relationship. I don't want to end up like my friend Bob, who was a great friend to evreyone, had so much enthusiasm and energy, right up until he shot himself in his late 40's. I want to be one of those people who looks BACK on this. hell i want to be looking back on it already.
I don't wnt to lose J. To be honest, he is almost ridiculously faithful. He doesn't "just take it," but he somehow accepts me and my pain and when i cry and explain why i said the hurtful things i did, he actually listens and understands and thinks i make sense. That's not something i take for granted. Its something that makes me feel very humble and, well to be honest, like i have something i don't quite deserve. I know better, but thats how it feels when i feel this way.
I am going to drive my broken car to the health food store to get some St Johnswort tincture. I don't take it often, but i think this warrants it and i just used the last of the bottle i had.
Also i am glad i get to be alone tonight and tomorrow. I am going to do a full moon ritual tonight if it kills me (which it won't). I need it like i need blood. Ooh, that sounded all vampiric
i meant something like, i need it like i need air. Yeah, that sounds a bit more reasonable.
I kinda wish there were something a bit more productive that i could do with these downtimes. . . Robert Smith certainly turned it to his advantage.
Ah well. Whatever.
My best friend just called, we are going to go to the store together. She can get some chocolate while i get St. Johnswort.
Don't anyone worry about me. I am fine. . . things are not terrible. I am just exploring some things here in this journal rather than keeping everything hidden and safe. . . because that is what it is here for, at least, that's one of the things. be well