I haven't been having an easy time recently. I find myself in a totally different body to that I lived in pre-pregnancy. The hips are too round and the areolas are too large. The tummy and bum have been replaced by softer, squishier cousins. The face is all wrong.
Some women shed weight easily after they give birth. I am not one of them. In fact, I've never been someone who's maintained a low weight easily - I'm only 4'10", which complicates things, and as well as a long history of disordered eating [I spent years of my life between 80lbs and 90lbs] I have a family history of obesity. I was not gifted with a fast metabolism and I've always had to work very, very hard to maintain a body resembling what other women possess without ever having to think about it.
With a not-quite-four-month old baby and a chronic pain condition, daily exercise is off the cards. And they say that 80% of weight loss is diet anyway, but really I'm not sure how to eat less without being a ball of hanger.
And I'll be really frank here - If I'm perfectly honest, even though I've maintained a healthy weight for about three years now, I'm not even sure I know how to lose weight totally unassisted. Maintaining a low weight with a vegan diet, somewhat active lifestyle and regular exercise? Sure. But have I EVER actually lost a substantial amount of weight without the aid of copious amounts of caffeine, outright starvation or some sort of weight loss supplement? I actually don't think so.
I hate my body. I truly, truly hate the vessel I currently inhabit. But I remain confident. I never realised how totally inseparable most people perceive our vision of ourselves and who we outwardly present ourselves to be. Do I think that means that I have 'false' confidence? Not necessarily. But my confidence has always been totally unattached to how I view myself privately. That doesn't mean I'm NOT confident. I'm confident because even though I dislike what I see in the mirror, I know that it does not define how anyone else sees me. I leave the house with hair that is unbrushed to me yet purposefully disheveled to others, a body that is saggy and blobby to me but soft and voluptuous to those around me.
I'm also perfectly aware that however much I may dislike aspects of myself, there's nothing inherently wrong with them and that they are not at all 'flaws,' just things I very personally don't love. There isn't anything wrong with fat. There isn't anything wrong with cellulite. There's nothing wrong with my chubby cheeks or my frazzled hair or my hip dips. And as for my scars and stretch marks - those I actually really like.
I am a lover of all women, the thin and the fat and the muscular and those with little boobies and big boobies and no boobies at all, saggy butts and pert butts and freckles and scars and anything a woman's ever disliked about themselves - I love it all. So while I hate my body, I love it too. And I absolutely refuse to hide it because I would never, ever want a peer to hide anything about themselves. I refuse to feel the way I do about the beautiful women around me and urge them to love themselves and bare themselves for what they while I hide because I think my tummy's too wobbly.
I get asked how I'm so confident just about every day. And I guess what it all boils down to is that I'm confident because I love other women. And I'm no different to any other woman out there.
I've said this before on Instagram but I know not all of you live there, so I'll say it here, too: Suicide Girls, for me, has always been about taking risks with myself and pushing myself to do things I DO NOT WANT to do. I socialized with a big group of women for the first time, because of this site. I wore my hair up while modelling because of this site. I've talked to people I'd only ever admire from afar and I've streamed live on the SuicideGirls Facebook page where thousands of people asked me questions while I chatted without any filter or editing whatsoever. And now, I've shot a photoset with @frankndame that we're going to submit without editing, even though I was only three months postpartum and totally disenchanted with myself.
I guess I'm ticking off a bucket list of things that will make me the person I've always wanted to become. Someone sexy and fearless and adventurous. So in the next year I also hope to submit a set with no makeup whatsoever. I want to fly to Sydney and strip for a weekend [I've always wanted to strip purely for the experience but can't where I live because reasons] and I want to shoot more multis, because I want to but my self esteem is getting in my way far too much.
Heh.
xxx
Ramble for the day over. Arachnie out.
PS - let me know if you like these random ramble thought blogs. I'll make more.
