arachnequarius

"In a murderous time/the heart breaks and breaks/ and lives by breaking./It is necessary to go/through dark and deeper dark/and not to turn./ I am looking for the trail"
~ Stanley Kunitz "The Learning Tree"

i don't lovelove the entire poem, but this little section kills me. in prep for the move i am sorting through old papers - weeding, etc. i stumbled across the reams of correspondence i had with a particular lady faire. ooooh, ill fated that romance - or rather, nomance. this quote was in one particularly melancholy missive.

funny how years of your life can be reduced to - immortalized by - a pile of flammable material. i wish that i could recapture the passion of that tortured series of events. not with her, but somewhere.

we had the most amazing chemistry and wretched timing. but the exquisite horror of it was soso creatively inspiring, you know? the clawing need, crushing desire, shattering of hope after dream, temporary euphoria, and wailing sadness ... now that is inspiration. she was my muse ... in a sortof dirae/gratiae combo platter. i wonder if a successful love affair inspires so?

its funny - it ended (well, the final of many endings) because of me ... because i realized how i took a real spark and made it blaze with my own fantasy. it was almost like at the end of labrynth (which i often quote) when she looks up (incredulous) and says "you have no power over me". i could almost feel falling and hear the shattering of glass. so strange.

anyway - sifting through old memories. *sigh* now, peering out onto the dating scene again, i don't want that kind of relationship. ahhhh, but i sort of do want that kind of feeling - for the writing. i guess the grave tactical error was trying to materialize it. except not, because now it is soso over for me in a good way too. and, not all inspiration comes from the dark ... or does it?

woo - doing my part for the holiday cheer. or the opposite.