I know it's been eons since I've posted. Please forgive me. I have no grand excuse. I don't. Sure - things happen; my meds have changed; working on the house, etc.
Onto me. So I cried for like an hour last night because I saw a picture of my childhood best friend pregnant on facebook and I realized that I'm engaged to a man who hates children.
When I was a kid what I wanted for my future was to be married to a nice Christian man, own my own house and start a family - in fact, I wanted a big family. Although I'm no longer Christian, I still wanted to marry a GOOD man.
Then I fell in love with Noel. He's athiest, but supportive of my pagan beliefs. We own our own house now. Engaged to be married as soon as we have the money - and he hates children.
At first I thought I was okay with not having children. But things keep flashing up in my life about babies. babies babies babies. My childhood best friend being pregnant. My ex boyfriend who apparently had no good swimmers has a beautiful baby girl now.
I hate facebook and I hate myself for checking up on people from my past. I torture myself. I really do.
I feel so confused right now. Do I actually want a baby or am I just a ticking time bomb because people from my past are all baby happy?
I think of all these things - like dropping the kid off for the first day of school, finding the right school, buying clothes, watching baby einstein, taking the kid camping, taking the kid on day trips, sending the kid to camp, playing video games, changing diapers, worrying about a high fever, sippy cups, judy bloom books, getting no sleep, being woken up in the middle of the night because the kid is scared of thunderstorms and wants to sleep with mommy and daddy, being called mommy.
Then there's the whole - not having time for just Noel and I. Having no money, worrying about EVERYTHING, I don't know.
It's responsibility. Am I willing to put my relationship with Noel in jeopardy for even thinking these things?
I love him so much. Do I really want kids or am I just a clock ticker?
I feel so confused.
Onto me. So I cried for like an hour last night because I saw a picture of my childhood best friend pregnant on facebook and I realized that I'm engaged to a man who hates children.
When I was a kid what I wanted for my future was to be married to a nice Christian man, own my own house and start a family - in fact, I wanted a big family. Although I'm no longer Christian, I still wanted to marry a GOOD man.
Then I fell in love with Noel. He's athiest, but supportive of my pagan beliefs. We own our own house now. Engaged to be married as soon as we have the money - and he hates children.
At first I thought I was okay with not having children. But things keep flashing up in my life about babies. babies babies babies. My childhood best friend being pregnant. My ex boyfriend who apparently had no good swimmers has a beautiful baby girl now.
I hate facebook and I hate myself for checking up on people from my past. I torture myself. I really do.
I feel so confused right now. Do I actually want a baby or am I just a ticking time bomb because people from my past are all baby happy?
I think of all these things - like dropping the kid off for the first day of school, finding the right school, buying clothes, watching baby einstein, taking the kid camping, taking the kid on day trips, sending the kid to camp, playing video games, changing diapers, worrying about a high fever, sippy cups, judy bloom books, getting no sleep, being woken up in the middle of the night because the kid is scared of thunderstorms and wants to sleep with mommy and daddy, being called mommy.
Then there's the whole - not having time for just Noel and I. Having no money, worrying about EVERYTHING, I don't know.
It's responsibility. Am I willing to put my relationship with Noel in jeopardy for even thinking these things?
I love him so much. Do I really want kids or am I just a clock ticker?
I feel so confused.
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**hug**
and thanks for the wishlist site