arachnea

Schizophrenia and Me.



For those of you who don't know - I am schizophrenic. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia last October and have been pushed face first into the reality of my mental illness.

I was asked to leave my place of work by my boss over a year ago due to my excessive crying in the workplace. He thought I couldn't handle things at work due to the fact that my family had abandoned me and all of my friends had turned their backs on me. Some people say that it began with my miscarriage - it happened at work while I was on the phone with someone. I had to be sent home in a cab. Everyone was worried but nobody knew what was going on.

I was put on Zoloft for depression by my family doctor who had been in the delivery room birthing me when I was born. I asked him about schizophrenia and it was just pushed aside. Of course it couldn't be anything serious like that. It was just depression brought on by bad circumstances.

I returned to work. Hoping that the anti-depressant would help me from day to day in my misery of being utterly alone. I lasted a couple of hours at work before I burst into tears once more and had to leave.

I was put on Long Term Disability. My life was falling apart in front of me. I asked an acquaintance to take me to CAMH (Center for Addiction and Mental Health - Toronto's largest [teaching] mental institution). I was interviewed by three people. First a nurse to check me in. My legs were bloody and clung to my clothes as I hadn't cleaned the dry blood from cutting myself for the first time.

I was checked in and had to be interviewed by a psychiatrist (and a student). It was decided that my case was inconclusive. I was asked many questions about cutting, hurting myself in general along with my tactile and visual halucinations. I described to them the feeling of bugs crawling all over my body and of seeing ants on the walls. I was shy about talking about such things with people I didn't know, so it was left at that. I was released contrary to what their wishes were into my friends custody. They made me sign a form saying I would come back for another interview with a different psychiatrist.

I held my word and came back for a consecutive interview. She delved into my psyche and asked me lots of questions. It was then that I revealed my more inner thoughts of demons, possession and other dimensions. I was diagnosed with a mood disorder and schizophrenia and put on an anti-psychotic called Seraquel.

Not long after my diagnosis I started dating someone. There was a party and I was sexually assaulted by someone I had never met before. The person I was dating blamed me and took the side of my attacker. I went to the police and several months later, the man pled guilty to sexual assault and recieved a tap on the wrist.

After that relationship ended, I met someone on Craigslist of all places. We met face to face, fell in love, got engaged and bought a house together.

I am still dealing with schizophrenia. It is not a curable mental illness. But my life has been changed drastically.

As of a couple of weeks ago, I hung up the phone on my mother (a destructive narciccistic parent) for the last time. I have made the active decision to cut her out of my life - divorce her, if you will. I leave behind my younger brother whom has cerebral palsy and my sans backbone father who has anger management issues. This was my first Christmas alone.

Every night I have nightmares of my family. My "mother". I can't sleep and I wake up crying or screaming.

Things did get better for a while, but I feel like I'm falling into a pit of despair at the moment.

From now on, I would like to make use of this journal here on SG to talk about mental illness and the other things that are plaguing my llife (and maybe yours) at the moment.