Let's call her L.
She's a freshman this year, and about a year young for her grade. She's relatively mature for her age, but weak-willed, easily manipulated, and the kind of person who settles and sets herself up to get hurt badly on a regular basis.
She is also one of my closest friends in the world. But I just don't know what to do with her. In addition to being one of my best friends, she is also an ex, one whom I hurt pretty badly myself a few years ago. She kind of brings out that quality in people, She also, unfortunately, attracts very predatory, emotionally abusive guys, such as T, the rat bastard she dated this summer. T is also the person she lost her virginity to, and was promptly dumped when she went off to college. He's a few years older and resents that she would be willing to go off to school instead of staying in a nowhere town with a guy she's known about 3 months. A real winner to say the least.
Then T changed his tune and started calling her all the time. She was heartbroken already, and this made it worse: instead of getting sadder, she's becoming jaded. She goes home about every other weekend now to fuck him and says she has stopped believing in love. She knows it's a bad idea, she's told me as much. She knows she's going to get hurt like she's never been hurt before. This is going to be a whole new kind of pain for her.
Let me point out that I don't think that randomly hooking up is necessarily a bad thing, though it's generally not my cup of tea. What's dangerous is a very emotionally unstable girl getting used by an ex who probably intends to hurt her. I am super-protective of my friends, but I feel like I'm in no position at all to talk to her about this. A combination of our history (which is actually a lot more complicated than I feel like getting into here - suffice it to say she's more than just an ex) and the fact that I'm ecstatically happy with my new girlfriend, where would I get off telling her what to do with her life? We were single support buddies for quite a while, and when I got Lauren's break up email (
) just about the same time T dumped her, we were heartbreak buddies too. I just don't want to see her give up, which is the path I'm afraid she's on. She's usually such a vibrant, cheerful optimist (her nickname is Dory, a la Finding Nemo), but this guy, this one fucking guy is breaking all that down.
I can't just stand by and watch it happen. She's not happy, and it's getting worse, but she still goes home to him every chance she gets. She knows how I, and the rest of our friends who know her story, feel about T, and she says it's justififed. I don't understand her. I don't want to be mad at her, and I feel like it's not my place to be anyway. She's a big girl, right? She can make her own decisions. It's her life. I keep telling myself those things, but I don't believe them. Because she's not. She's the most dependent person I've ever met, which wasn't such an issue when she depended on me and Jamie and people who love her. But this guy is going to seriously fuck her up. She doesn't even talk to Jamie, her supposed best friend, about any of this, or anything else anymore.
I'm so worried.
Any advice?
She's a freshman this year, and about a year young for her grade. She's relatively mature for her age, but weak-willed, easily manipulated, and the kind of person who settles and sets herself up to get hurt badly on a regular basis.
She is also one of my closest friends in the world. But I just don't know what to do with her. In addition to being one of my best friends, she is also an ex, one whom I hurt pretty badly myself a few years ago. She kind of brings out that quality in people, She also, unfortunately, attracts very predatory, emotionally abusive guys, such as T, the rat bastard she dated this summer. T is also the person she lost her virginity to, and was promptly dumped when she went off to college. He's a few years older and resents that she would be willing to go off to school instead of staying in a nowhere town with a guy she's known about 3 months. A real winner to say the least.
Then T changed his tune and started calling her all the time. She was heartbroken already, and this made it worse: instead of getting sadder, she's becoming jaded. She goes home about every other weekend now to fuck him and says she has stopped believing in love. She knows it's a bad idea, she's told me as much. She knows she's going to get hurt like she's never been hurt before. This is going to be a whole new kind of pain for her.
Let me point out that I don't think that randomly hooking up is necessarily a bad thing, though it's generally not my cup of tea. What's dangerous is a very emotionally unstable girl getting used by an ex who probably intends to hurt her. I am super-protective of my friends, but I feel like I'm in no position at all to talk to her about this. A combination of our history (which is actually a lot more complicated than I feel like getting into here - suffice it to say she's more than just an ex) and the fact that I'm ecstatically happy with my new girlfriend, where would I get off telling her what to do with her life? We were single support buddies for quite a while, and when I got Lauren's break up email (
) just about the same time T dumped her, we were heartbreak buddies too. I just don't want to see her give up, which is the path I'm afraid she's on. She's usually such a vibrant, cheerful optimist (her nickname is Dory, a la Finding Nemo), but this guy, this one fucking guy is breaking all that down.
I can't just stand by and watch it happen. She's not happy, and it's getting worse, but she still goes home to him every chance she gets. She knows how I, and the rest of our friends who know her story, feel about T, and she says it's justififed. I don't understand her. I don't want to be mad at her, and I feel like it's not my place to be anyway. She's a big girl, right? She can make her own decisions. It's her life. I keep telling myself those things, but I don't believe them. Because she's not. She's the most dependent person I've ever met, which wasn't such an issue when she depended on me and Jamie and people who love her. But this guy is going to seriously fuck her up. She doesn't even talk to Jamie, her supposed best friend, about any of this, or anything else anymore.
I'm so worried.
Any advice?
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I went through a similar thing with my best friend in high school--she was dating this asshole who was undoubtedly about to ruin her life. To make a long story short, I pushed too hard to "save" her, and in the end she stayed with him, got hurt anyway, and never spoke to me again.