On the rare occasions that I find myself being introduced in a social setting that actually doesn't involve people with interesting "night jobs", musicians, or various stripes of criminals...
I get asked the same annoying questions again and again.
Actually, they're innocent questions, they're just annoying to me because answering truthfully reveals too many flaws about my character.
And really, who the hell needs that.
"Do you have any children?" -
At one time I thought I might make a good Dad...
And then the fever broke and I felt much better after that. I get along with most kids OK. The reason for that probably has more to do with my utter contempt for 'grown ups' than with any sort of parental longings. Everything you just read right there used to be my standard line in response to that particualr question.This usually made people upset with me. Their upsetedness would in turn make me upset, which would lead to the brandishing of nacho chips and other appetizers in a confrontative manner.
Now, I have an assortment of different lines. Sometimes, I just don't want to explain to people that I'm sterile from chemotherapy. I'll tell 'em, NO- my sperm is retarded. Mentioning ones' sperm in polite conversation usually elicits a pretty good laugh, for me anyway (your results may vary).
After much soul-searching through the years, I just can't see myself as anyone's Dad.
"Are you married?" -
Do I look married? I mean, my body language at any given moment usually conveys "tired and depressed" by default, but is that what married guys look like these days? Shit, man. My married friends are totally pussy-whipped and constantly irritable, but they don't really know The Blues. Sometimes I tell people that I am married. To Mary Jane, and we're open to threesomes. Women with exceptional sense of humor get it and laugh, the rest back away and avoid me.
On bizarro night, I get hit on by gay dudes. And within minutes they ask me the same friggin question. "Are you married?" This has happened so many times I automatically assume any guy who asks me that question must be gay. I lie. Yup, happily married, for 25 years! But I'm a bad liar, and the agressive gays stand their ground. Which I have never understood, because I'm not attractive by conventional gay standards. I guess dudes are basically the same on either team, they don't know when to quit. Ugh.
"Where do you work?" -
I dread having to face this question. Most of the time I have told the truth, I'm on disabilty. But the backstory is such a downer and I get bored having to tell it all over again. Sometimes, I'll get 5 minutes into the story and then I'll fake a seizure, excusing me from the excruciating task of explaining what it's like to wake up one morning and feel like you're literally dying. My cousin gave me the idea to tell people that I'm "working on my material". I tried this one out about a week ago, but it was a difficult sell. I ended up performing a horrible freestyle rap, which made everyone feel much more awkward than they would have if I'd simply told the truth. By the way, I can't rap, but I'm still better than P Diddy.
Now, when people ask me what I do, I tell them I'm an "unreliable narrator". It sort of rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? "Philosopher" is way too pretentious, even for me, and I hate philosophy anyway. An unreliable narrator is a character who tells the story, varying between honesty and complete bullshit. Which suits me just fine.
