apontes29

why is god intent on making me wish i was dead?....

not that i believe in god...its just great to blame something for all the shit in my world.

ive been trying to forget about the woman i love..........ive been trying to pretend she never existed. and she fucking emails me today like she never ripped my heart out and shot it with a shotgun some months back....i still wake up at night and it feels like a knife is protruding from my chest........like all that is good and pure in the world is nothing but rot and stench. im trying to carry on and get myself back into the adult world and it has been hard. harder than anything i could have ever imagined. and ive gotten to the point where my defenses are back up, where i can keep my wrecked emotions on the inside where they wont interfare with my daily interactions with other human beings.....and right now it feels like it has all been ripped apart. like my heart has been smashed and destroyed again....i just did some shots of hard liquor and tried not to think about jumping off a bridge or something.........i didnt need her to do this to me today...i didnt need her to talk to me.......im a fucking wreck right now...and im trying so hard not to cry because she isnt worth crying over anymore......yeah right....i was doing better.........i was getting to a point where i could go a couple of days and not think of her....and now she is right there on the front burner again........fuck....i gave that woman my heart and soul........and she promised me hers.........and then she fucking dumped my ass in an email.........what the fuck is wrong with me........why do i even care still?...........
at least the tequila and vodka is starting to kick in..........im going to be a fucking drunk soon enough....whatever.......i dont care anymore