aponia

I just spent the past day in and out of the funeral parlor. Friday was my mom's viewing, tommorrow is the funeral service, well, actually today.

I'm kind of numb. I thought seeing my mom in the casket would make me cry, but it didn't. I think it was because she looked like she was sleeping. She didn't look dead. Besides wearing the most god-awful lipstick ever, she just looked peaceful. But then that wasn't my mom, it was the body she used to live in. I talked to it, but more because I knew she'd hear me, whether I said it at her coffin or at my house.

Its weird. I originally felt like a stupid kid, like my 29th year would begin feeling like a 14 year old, since my life wasn't in any control. But instead I feel exactly my age. I feel older then I ever had, I feel like an adult that has to do things like talk about my mom when I don't want to, and pick out funeral arrangements when all I want to do is lie in bed and cry.

I'm sure on Sunday I'm going to be a mess. When all of this is over, and it has time to sink in, I'm going to cry until my eyes swell shut. I did that with my grandfather, i'll do it with my mom.

My personality is so different then my sister and my dad. Its weird. I just look at the three of us, and I realize my mom held this family together. I think without her we're all going to just drift away from one another. And that just makes me sad. Its already obvious.

I had these extravagant plans for my 29th on the 29th but i think, even before my mom died, I knew it was going to be a bad year. I just could feel it. Maybe it was a preminision, who knows, but I knew this birthday would be horrible.

I miss my mom.