So my mom is back in the hospital. Same exact fucking thing...low blood pressure, massive infection, low potassium, she could die within the new few days. The EXACT goddamn thing they told us last time she was in the hospital. My dad called and told me she was stable, but I think she's unconscious and not really responsive. So I can at least eat dinner and sleep and go first thing tommorrow morning, instead of rushing home, staying for two hours, then driving back tonight.
I just got home from my first day of work. I have nothing but a headache to show for it. I bought some yarn and a scarf pattern book and some needles I needed for a part of a sweater....good bye first pay day. Better luck next time.
So I'm a wreck, with a massive migrane. I'm frustrated and upset and angry and annoyed and depressed. I'm feeling massive amounts of guilt for feeling selfish, for having horrible thoughts like: there goes all my weekend plans. No tattoo, no party, no birthday celebrating, no concerts in NY, no fucking nothing. I'm going to spend the next weeks driving back and forth to the hospital, using the last of my money I saved, and not having time to look for work, let alone file unemployment bullshit. And I feel HORRIBLE for thinking like this.
And since my boy is massively busy at work I will have to do all of this alone.
I just feel like shit....I can't even explain it. I love my mom so much, but all I feel is this resentment, and I don't mean to, I really don't....but I do. I'm mad because my life is constantly being thrown upside down, and I'm mad at her doctors for not doing anything, and i'm mad at the surrounding world for making her sick in the first place.
I just had so much to worry about, I didn't need anything else. And now I have to deal with the fact that my mom's dying, on top of everything else. I just don't know what i'm going to do. I'm really not strong enough to handle all of this...I really can't. I can't do this every day.
God..this has been the WORST fucking month. I just wish it was over already.
I just got home from my first day of work. I have nothing but a headache to show for it. I bought some yarn and a scarf pattern book and some needles I needed for a part of a sweater....good bye first pay day. Better luck next time.
So I'm a wreck, with a massive migrane. I'm frustrated and upset and angry and annoyed and depressed. I'm feeling massive amounts of guilt for feeling selfish, for having horrible thoughts like: there goes all my weekend plans. No tattoo, no party, no birthday celebrating, no concerts in NY, no fucking nothing. I'm going to spend the next weeks driving back and forth to the hospital, using the last of my money I saved, and not having time to look for work, let alone file unemployment bullshit. And I feel HORRIBLE for thinking like this.
And since my boy is massively busy at work I will have to do all of this alone.
I just feel like shit....I can't even explain it. I love my mom so much, but all I feel is this resentment, and I don't mean to, I really don't....but I do. I'm mad because my life is constantly being thrown upside down, and I'm mad at her doctors for not doing anything, and i'm mad at the surrounding world for making her sick in the first place.
I just had so much to worry about, I didn't need anything else. And now I have to deal with the fact that my mom's dying, on top of everything else. I just don't know what i'm going to do. I'm really not strong enough to handle all of this...I really can't. I can't do this every day.
God..this has been the WORST fucking month. I just wish it was over already.