apate

i am now officially single again, even though i technically was before, but i just wasn't interested in anyone or even really liking anyone.
And i feel pretty optimistic today.
:3

i was at my mother's home looking for something to pull my hair back because it was raining, so i opened a music box that sounded broken and i thought, "That's how i feel inside."
Like broken metalic music.

i've been trying lately to find out how i look, because i've seen people show everyone their insides.
Sometimes it's dark red wetness thrown onto walls, and their bones are like peices of sharpened chalk.
Other times it looks a lot like flowers and stones and vines.
i collect things i find on the ground a lot, and i think that maybe they look how i look inside if i kept them in boxes.

i read my Tarot cards the other day, and i kept getting the death card, which really means rebirth or renewal. It scares me, though, because i don't like starting everything all over again. But, i have an issue with jumping before i have a safety net, so i have to get up again when i fall everytime.
It's not really fun, but i feel better in knowing that i'm still alive.

So, i've started deleting Orpheus from my head.
i removed his pictures and phone numbers, the only hard part is his songs.
Everytime i sing, it seems to hurt now.
i don't know where he went, though, because one day, he was just gone completely.
i chain smoked half a pack of cloves in a two hour period...
That hurt my throat, so my voice began to sound like the way really old broken pavement looks.

But last night my friends and i got drunk and high, so i told them that because i was sad they had to tickle me, because it would make me feel better.
So Frankie did, and it worked.
And we watched Matilda and played a drinking game to Grandma's Boy.
And then Sam vomited and i cleaned it up in my drunken stoned stupor because everyone else was asleep...
Which they say makes me a good friend, but i just figured, i'd rather do it than wake up to the smell of Sam's stomach contents.

And i went to the thrift store today!
Hoorah!
i have to collect vases now...
Because i like them.


i needed something to hold my little wildflowers, and i had to get them all because they were so pretty...
My Frankie asked if i really needed the cow, and i said that i did because it reminded me of when i was little.
It's one of those cream thingies for coffee and whatnot, i think, but we always just used ours for syrup on the pancakes.