I'm (still) just looking for a kiss...
Last entry was rad, but it is a new year and time for new entries.
2004 is over and I am very happy to see it go. It brought me a little bit of good and a whole lot of bad--mostly shot my self-esteem to shit a bit at a time, from work to friends to everything else. I've spent the last few months figuring myself back out and I'm just starting to feel like myself again--feeling sexy and confident and smart. I like the person that I am again, and I have faith in her ability to accomplish good things.
I spent the week leading up to New Year's doing a lot of thinking, and the gods of directionless writers sent me a nice guy who is a film professor to talk to me about grad school. He rented a bike. Someone else asked what good movies they should rent, and we got into a discussion of whether Eternal Sunshine or Before Sunset was the best movie of 2004.
So the gods say, "Film school!" and I shall make it happen. Now all that remains is to decide whether to stay here and suck it up and work my ass off, both at the day job (making the bike shop bigger and better and convincing my dad that bankrolling my business ventures may not be a losing proposition) and at my other work (the magazines--starting my first article for the new mag, and of course Kaffeine Buzz) and my own writing, or to find a job someplace that appeals to me more.
Some of my new year's resolutions are personal and I'm not going to share them with you. But a few of them are:
To please myself and only myself. It is my life, and I have not yet met the person that gets to make me compromise it.
To get a piece of fiction writing published somewhere that people will actually read it.
To read two books a week (hello, library!) and watch three movies a week. I mean ones I have not read or seen. Education does not stop because I am not in school.
To get out and meet people. If I'm stuck here, I guess I need to go to Savannah and flirt with art students.
Anyway, just in case you missed out on the kissing entry and, like me, did not get a New Year's kiss (except in my dreams), here's one more that I remember vividly:
Chris, the love of my life, the one that got away, was my pseudo-boyfriend for a while when I was still technically with my college boyfriend. I was at home and the boy from school was at home in MA, and I was sticking to my theory that Chris and I had broken up for a reason that wasn't distance (which was crap). So he and I spent all of our time together, kissing on the cheek goodnight and ending every conversation with whispered "I love you." I was blind and stupid to think that I wasn't still in love with the boy, but I pretended that I wanted to stay with D. to protect myself. Until one day, Chris and I made a stop at my house so I could change my clothes and check my email. I signed on to the computer and D. was online, and IM'd me instantly. Chris sat down behind me on the floor and snaked one arm around me, and kissed my neck, right at the base, where the collarbone disappears under the muscle. I forgot about the boy typing epithets to me on the computer screen and turned around and kissed him to make up for the month we'd spent forcing ourselves not to touch. Our lips met, I crawled into his lap, and we clutched at each other for dear life. Minutes passed. When we finally broke away, we looked at each other, and I held his hand as I turned back to the computer and made a quick excuse.
I broke up with D. later that day.
Last entry was rad, but it is a new year and time for new entries.
2004 is over and I am very happy to see it go. It brought me a little bit of good and a whole lot of bad--mostly shot my self-esteem to shit a bit at a time, from work to friends to everything else. I've spent the last few months figuring myself back out and I'm just starting to feel like myself again--feeling sexy and confident and smart. I like the person that I am again, and I have faith in her ability to accomplish good things.
I spent the week leading up to New Year's doing a lot of thinking, and the gods of directionless writers sent me a nice guy who is a film professor to talk to me about grad school. He rented a bike. Someone else asked what good movies they should rent, and we got into a discussion of whether Eternal Sunshine or Before Sunset was the best movie of 2004.
So the gods say, "Film school!" and I shall make it happen. Now all that remains is to decide whether to stay here and suck it up and work my ass off, both at the day job (making the bike shop bigger and better and convincing my dad that bankrolling my business ventures may not be a losing proposition) and at my other work (the magazines--starting my first article for the new mag, and of course Kaffeine Buzz) and my own writing, or to find a job someplace that appeals to me more.
Some of my new year's resolutions are personal and I'm not going to share them with you. But a few of them are:
To please myself and only myself. It is my life, and I have not yet met the person that gets to make me compromise it.
To get a piece of fiction writing published somewhere that people will actually read it.
To read two books a week (hello, library!) and watch three movies a week. I mean ones I have not read or seen. Education does not stop because I am not in school.
To get out and meet people. If I'm stuck here, I guess I need to go to Savannah and flirt with art students.
Anyway, just in case you missed out on the kissing entry and, like me, did not get a New Year's kiss (except in my dreams), here's one more that I remember vividly:
Chris, the love of my life, the one that got away, was my pseudo-boyfriend for a while when I was still technically with my college boyfriend. I was at home and the boy from school was at home in MA, and I was sticking to my theory that Chris and I had broken up for a reason that wasn't distance (which was crap). So he and I spent all of our time together, kissing on the cheek goodnight and ending every conversation with whispered "I love you." I was blind and stupid to think that I wasn't still in love with the boy, but I pretended that I wanted to stay with D. to protect myself. Until one day, Chris and I made a stop at my house so I could change my clothes and check my email. I signed on to the computer and D. was online, and IM'd me instantly. Chris sat down behind me on the floor and snaked one arm around me, and kissed my neck, right at the base, where the collarbone disappears under the muscle. I forgot about the boy typing epithets to me on the computer screen and turned around and kissed him to make up for the month we'd spent forcing ourselves not to touch. Our lips met, I crawled into his lap, and we clutched at each other for dear life. Minutes passed. When we finally broke away, we looked at each other, and I held his hand as I turned back to the computer and made a quick excuse.
I broke up with D. later that day.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
To please myself and only myself. It is my life, and I have not yet met the person that gets to make me compromise it.
THAT is a great one. I think that has been some of the problem with my past relationships. I compromised who was was.
Well at least this time, he KNOWS who I am and yet he likes me anyway... how strange
Hope 2005 brings you all that you are looking for