anywayyouneedme

::dances to Britney Spears:: My leg hurts from sharing the couch last night. My leg, my hip, my arm, my shoulder, the whole right side. It would actually hurt regardless of who else was on the couch because couches were not designed to be slept on, at least not Bryan's. So last night Katy and I went over to Ben's house and watched House of 1000 Corpses ::purr:: and I had a bit of sex on the waterbed and then Jessica came and brought some beer and vodka... so I had a few beers and then Katy and I made some screwdrivers and had some Capri Sun with vodka and played pool and took pictures and then went back to Bryan's. We watched American Wedding and slept and whatnot. I went to church with Katy this morning and it was really nice. Jessie, who sort of leads the group after church itself, is so awesome... it's weird because when we were all talking about our own personal whatever, I could relate to everything she was talking about. I mean, of course, I find ways to relate to EVERYONE... but it was nice. She talked about how she stopped smoking bud just because... yeah... and how she started smoking again and I was like, oh shit deja vu. And she was talking about how her depression sort of seems worse and also how she's not taking her medicine and I'm just like... "ahh let me apply this to my life and make it MY problem" because that could work. I'm getting so fucking lazy and all I do now is sit around like a fucking stoner ... and it's not even that I've been smoking that much but I've really gotten used to mediocrity, which is like, totally against everything I want myself to ... radiate or whatever. It's fucking lame... but I'm too damn lazy to do anything about it. Blah dee fucking blah... I hate rambling like this but I guess it does no harm, and it's good to get this all out. But... I was talking to my therapist about how I think my depression is under control now and it's not like I need attention or anything now where I want to cut myself just to have my dad watch me bleed and hope to get a reaction... but since I've said that, every night it's just so tempting. And it's not that pathetic desperation that it used to be but I've become so fucking... whatever... that I'm completely obsessed with hurting. Like... I want someone to beat the living shit out of me... and I want to bleed until there's no more blood, and I want to ... I don't know. It's all somehow linked to soem deranged sexual fantasy... because everything bad is sex related some how. But not really like... overtly, that's just my interpreatation, which is probably wrong.