anyanka_____

Finals are killing me. I think I've cried at least once every day, I'm so stressed. I've had alot on my mind. I mean, things with L are so confusing. I mean, at the moment things are good, we had a huge..HUGE fight and he grabbed all his stuff and was getting ready to leave forever, back to Virginia and out of my life. I stopped him, we talked....ALOT. He stayed. This week has been very hard for me though, I had to temporarily give up Colby, who I very much do not want out of my life. I think I hurt him, and that hurts me. I am feeling very frustrated. I don't want L to be angy or hurt, or feel like I'm a lier or a cheat. I don't want to lose Colby, and I don't want to hurt myself trying to make everyone else happy in the process. It's a very stressful place to be in.
The problem is, I don't know what I want. Or maybe I know what I want, but I'm too scared that I'll hurt to many people trying to get it that I just don't have the balls to do what needs to be done. I mean, this IS my last chance with L. I know I kept saying it before, but seriously, I fuck this up even a little bit, and he's gone. That makes me nervous, I'm walking on eggshells here, I'm terrified to do anything because I don't want L to read into it the wrong way. I care about him and I don't want to lose him, but I also don't know if I should be in a relationship right now, it's a tough call. Be selfish and lose one of the best friends I've ever had, or stay where I am and feel happy on the surface, but deep down question my place here. L is a really good guy. He loves me, he takes care of me, I mean he moved to Maryland away from all his friends just to be with me, that's crazy, but sweet! I couldn't ask for someone to have more patience with me constantly changing my mind what I want. He's a great person. I honestly think the problem here isn't him. It's me. I never really gave myself proper time to heal and grow up a little after I lost Dave. I mean three years, and then it was over and I gave myself next to no time to heal from that. I didn't want to be alone, so I started meeting new people as quickly as I could, and then met L who was also rebounding from a bad break up. We got alot so amazingly in the beginning, it was all silliness and fun, and traveling and making out all the time. It rocked! The thing is now, it's not that I'm dissatisfied with how we aren't doing that so much now with me in school and him working ten hour days at his computer tech. job. That's fine, I understand that summer was summer and this is reality, but MY reality is effecting our relationship. I'm trying so hard to be totally invested, because I do love him. But there is something in me that isn't there. Something that when I was with Dave, it was there. I'm not meaning to compair L to Dave. I'm mearly saying that because Dave was my last serious relationship. I remember those feelings still. I would have done anything to save that relationship, and in the end, I realized I loved him enough I had to let him go. It sucked, and so does this. I don't want all these people in my life to hate me for being honest about how I'm feeling. I don't really know what I want, one second I think the best thing would be for L and I to move on, but then when he tries to go, I get upset that he's leaving and I ask him not to leave me. So he says here, gives me one last(very undeserved) chance to save this relationship, and here I am sitting here wondering why I'm still here, yet happy to have him in my life still. Am I a horrible person? Am I some evil femme fatal, for leading him on and then wondering why he's still here? I'm so mixed up right now, I don't even know how much of this....these feelings are because of the stress from finals, and how much of this is just me. All I know is that I feel like a horrible bitch. I'm scum, undeserving of so much patience and love from such good people. I've had that NIN song in my head that past few days, "Hurt".
I really feel exactly like that...like every word..it's so perfectly describes everything. I think I need to start visiting my psychietrist again, get some professional perspective, clear this all out. All I know is, I can't keep lying to L and hurting him over and over again. I need to figure myself out and decide what the hell it is I want and stick with it. Because right now, I don't know, I just don't know.".......what have I become, my sweetest friend....everyone I know goes away in the end......and you could have it all, my empire of dirt ..I will let you down...I will make you hurt.

P.S. Colby- if you read this, I hope you don't hate me. I'm so sorry if I hurt you even a little bit! I never wanted that! I hope you can forgive me! I'm just really confused right now, you met me at a weird time in my life, and I'm sorry. I hope we can still be friends.