anyanka_____

So the past few days have been pretty hellish. Not only do I have finals to get through, which I do. But L and I keep having these huge all night fights where we come about a half a second away from him leaving for good. It's really been taking it's toll on me phyically and emotionally. For the past week, whenever I try and eat anything, I get sick. So I just don't eat, it sames me the trouble. The thing about all this is, it is my fault. He has his faults, and a bunch of things that annoy or frustrate me, so much so that rather than tell him how much they bothered me, I just held it in for fear of hurting his feelings, but then I found myself streying from him. I started talking to this other guy. Then talking became flirting, then flirting became wanting him. It's a big old mess. L is probably one of the smartest, sharpest people I have even met, so of course he figured out my heart was no longer pure for him. I just want to...and I have cried alot over this whole thing. I want us to work, but he and I both need to change, as in make some major adjustments. I need to feel that I matter more to him than his geeky tendencies. L is a gamer kid. Warcraft III is his life, as I am not in any capacity a computer nerd. I don't understand, nor do I much care about them beyond a basic need to comunicate in writing or looking at a website. He has things he needs to do and understand for me that need to chance, and I have to re-evaluate myself as a person. Never in my past have I been the kind of person who wasn't totally loyal to the one I was with. I have always been the good girlfriend, the one who goes the extra mile to do caring things and help out where help is needed/wanted. I don't want to hurt anyone, I mean, no one does. When did I chance, when did I become this person, the person L and I connected over because we hated people like that. People who lied and cheated and played games to get away with everything they wanted. Have I gone crazy? I haven't been able to sleep well for a couple weeks and I haev't eaten in almost as long. My work needs to come first right now, but this relationship needs alot of attention and nursing if it's going to work. He tried to leave multiple times last night, because my asnwers were not the ones he wanted to hear. And I cried for not being able to say something different, better...the kind of thing I would have said if I were still the person I used to be a few months ago when we met. My heart aches and my stomach turns in knots over what we have become. and how it is primarily my fault. After many waves of yelling, heated discussion, and whispers between sobs, I finally convinced him to let me, us start again. If I fuck up again, he can go and I won't ask for another chance because I blew it. ( But I'm so scared that I'm going to ruin this second chance before it's even really had an opportunity to get on it's feet) When did the demons inside me win, and how do I do this, how do I not hurt L any more without losing this other guy in the process. That's the kicker, I really do care about this other guy. I don't want to hurt him or lose him in all this, but he is not my boyfriend, and my loyalty to L needs to come first. Should I stop talking to this other guy for a bit? I don't want to do that, he means alot to me, but so does L. I'm torn right down the middle. I have a boy here who loves me and takes good care of me, who has never done anything disloyal to me, but who has fewer things in common with me than what I had originally thought upon meeting that make us click easily. Then there is this other guy, he lives in Kansas, but has seemingly anyway, got alot more in common with me. He is a photographer and a music feend with taste in many of the same bands that I like. He is new and exciting and makes me feel special, he makes me smile. And honestly when L asked me on the spot last night, if this other guy were here, in Maryland....would I date him. I said, based on what I know about him at the present moment, yes I probably would want to. Then L said to me....everyone seems amazing in the beginning, the holes haven't yet been filled, you haven't figured out their flaws yet, of course he seems great now. But will he be great after a few months? or will I wander again when it's not new enough. I don't know, how can I know that? All I know is that I have never been disloyal like this until now. I have never been this person I hate so very much that I make myself sick. I don't want to be the girl that breaks some good, kind boys heart for doing nothing more than loving me and treating me with the ultimate amount of patience a person could give. I just wish I could make this decision and act on it 100%, not mean to act on it that way and then give 50% to one guy and hide the other 50% away for someone else that I think I could also love. I feel myself going insane, and I think it's killing me. Lord give me strength..... .... .....