It's election day. This is my column from The Brag, which comes out on Monday:
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. The famous-just-for-this-quote Henry Cate, VII.
By the time this goes to print, the election will be decided. Either Latham or Howard will have been emblazoned on the cover of the paper, and champagne bottles will have been popped at someones party headquarter. If Howard scored a victory, there will already have been tears in the street and angered claims that Im moving to New Zealand. If Latham chalked up a win, there will have been armies of drunken, excited youth, eager to see if Big Mark will deliver on his promises.
On this sunny Thursday, two days before the big day, the election is clearly too close to call. Not even the big name election pundits have the confidence to come out and openly declare who will come home with the gold come Saturday night. Thankfully, Im not a big name election pundit, so Im happy to have a crack at a prediction: I think Howard will have been declared prime minister as you read this.
Christ, I hope Im wrong. I hope that youre scoffing at me. I hope that Im laughably off the mark. I hope Howard was beaten red raw by a battalion of voters whove had enough. I hope he was belittled at the polls, shown up to be the despicable embarrassment to Australia that he is.
But for whatever reason perhaps the effectiveness of Howards scare tactics or his viscerally effective ad campaign the chilling ghost of political fear is tapping me on the shoulder, and hes whispering in my ear that Howard will be with us for a few more years. Im not the only one who can feel themselves and Australia surging towards a terrible malaise.
Things under Latham wont be that much better. At a recent Press Gallery lunch he promised he wouldnt rush into things a la Hawke or Whitlam. Hed take things slow. No matter how long it takes him, the fact is he doesnt have the genuine working-class sensibilities and respect for the average Aussie battler to really want to change things. Hell beat those on welfare until they work. Hell claim to reward aspiration, but then brutally punish those who are unsuccessful in their bids at economic success. Next to Howard, hes fucking brilliant, but hes not going to take Australia where most forward-thinking lovers of equality want it to go.
But Ive said it many times before: hes not John Howard. Im not sure Ill be able to handle living under the man again. The problem isnt so much that people voted for Howard although that is a problem. The real problem is that a vote for Howard represents confidence in the direction Australia is going. If Howard is our prime minister as you read this, it means that huge proportion of your fellow Australians believe were on the right track. It means many of your uncles, aunties, friends, sisters and brothers thought it wise to elect a man who clearly and explicitly expresses a love for the interests solely of the rich and powerful. A man who has done nothing to help Australia, bar deliver tax cuts now and then to appease the ignorant and cash-loving.
The thought is a terrible one. But if Im wrong, and Howard is run out of Canberra with the burning crosses of democracy, Ill be drinking right now. I will be cheers-ing to Howard being beaten brutally with the baseball bats of equality. I will have a little more faith in my fellow countrymen.
But if Im right, what does that say about Australia?
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. The famous-just-for-this-quote Henry Cate, VII.
By the time this goes to print, the election will be decided. Either Latham or Howard will have been emblazoned on the cover of the paper, and champagne bottles will have been popped at someones party headquarter. If Howard scored a victory, there will already have been tears in the street and angered claims that Im moving to New Zealand. If Latham chalked up a win, there will have been armies of drunken, excited youth, eager to see if Big Mark will deliver on his promises.
On this sunny Thursday, two days before the big day, the election is clearly too close to call. Not even the big name election pundits have the confidence to come out and openly declare who will come home with the gold come Saturday night. Thankfully, Im not a big name election pundit, so Im happy to have a crack at a prediction: I think Howard will have been declared prime minister as you read this.
Christ, I hope Im wrong. I hope that youre scoffing at me. I hope that Im laughably off the mark. I hope Howard was beaten red raw by a battalion of voters whove had enough. I hope he was belittled at the polls, shown up to be the despicable embarrassment to Australia that he is.
But for whatever reason perhaps the effectiveness of Howards scare tactics or his viscerally effective ad campaign the chilling ghost of political fear is tapping me on the shoulder, and hes whispering in my ear that Howard will be with us for a few more years. Im not the only one who can feel themselves and Australia surging towards a terrible malaise.
Things under Latham wont be that much better. At a recent Press Gallery lunch he promised he wouldnt rush into things a la Hawke or Whitlam. Hed take things slow. No matter how long it takes him, the fact is he doesnt have the genuine working-class sensibilities and respect for the average Aussie battler to really want to change things. Hell beat those on welfare until they work. Hell claim to reward aspiration, but then brutally punish those who are unsuccessful in their bids at economic success. Next to Howard, hes fucking brilliant, but hes not going to take Australia where most forward-thinking lovers of equality want it to go.
But Ive said it many times before: hes not John Howard. Im not sure Ill be able to handle living under the man again. The problem isnt so much that people voted for Howard although that is a problem. The real problem is that a vote for Howard represents confidence in the direction Australia is going. If Howard is our prime minister as you read this, it means that huge proportion of your fellow Australians believe were on the right track. It means many of your uncles, aunties, friends, sisters and brothers thought it wise to elect a man who clearly and explicitly expresses a love for the interests solely of the rich and powerful. A man who has done nothing to help Australia, bar deliver tax cuts now and then to appease the ignorant and cash-loving.
The thought is a terrible one. But if Im wrong, and Howard is run out of Canberra with the burning crosses of democracy, Ill be drinking right now. I will be cheers-ing to Howard being beaten brutally with the baseball bats of equality. I will have a little more faith in my fellow countrymen.
But if Im right, what does that say about Australia?
