What is Honesty?
The thing I appreciated about suicide girls was that it was a place I could share without censorship. That means something. In America (South and North), Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia and even Antarctica our voices are regulated, watched and subject to penalty by government. How daring I must be to address the situation honestly without use of a euphemism or analogy.
However, there is another agency which regulates our speech with such scrutiny that no government can achieve its effectiveness. This agency distorts the truth in its favor, will not acknowledge its own existence and will lie to all who challenge it. It is the agency of pride, what we think of ourselves.
For me, honesty is saying Im not the person I think I am. It is me actually saying Im not as cool as I think I am, I dont have the influence over others that Id like, I cant make everybody like me. I am immature, I cant control my emotions, I cant control how I act. I dont have any power over anybody who I am in love with. I am delusional. I tell myself I am cooler than I really am, and I believe it. I act cooler than I really am. I impress people whenever I can to gain approval so I can feel cool, so I can be cool. I just want to be the coolest guy ever, and Im okay with lying about so long as you believe it." That is honest and its painful to tell the truth, like I knife ripping into my side.
The truth is dumb. It comes out all ugly and retarded, filled with resentment. But its the truth you know. The clich is sometimes you have to just accept it I dont believe it though. I dont want to accept that Im very different from everyone else, that I may just be one in a million. That I may be the only one who will ever think like that. This. What I am really trying to say is that I am afraid of being right. That I am really frightened of being alone
But its okay to be different, its okay to be alone. We need people like you, we need people like me. What in the world is honestywhen it feels like parts of me are being pulled apart to look at the macabre inside, its a dissection. Worse than the ones in school, there we are taught the parts and what they are and what they mean. But here in the real world, not even a psychologist can tell you what some of the things you will find, with being honest, are. We all just stare amazed, shocked and think wow that came out of me?! How interesting
It is never a simple process being honest. It always takes a godlike act of courage or a dire act of desperation to say what we really mean. For some a bottle of Jack Daniels will get the message mumbled out. Either way it is hard to say when we are being honest if we are actually being honest. If there is not perhaps some part of the truth we are skewing, or aspect left without full illumination?
Whenever I think about the truth I automatically throw bumpers on so it doesnt hit as hard when I explain itbut I just wonder how bad could it be if its the truth. Would the world be better off with more honesty or less? Maybe if I philosophize about it, I can justify lying pragmatically? Then I wont have to face the truth or change my ways, I can go back to telling white lies.
The purpose of my life is to confront my fear and overcome it, to address it by name and function, to disarm its strengths and incorporate it into my being. The biggest error of my judgment is thinking I can do wrong or right. I can only be alive and either accept or deny something.
***
From this state of acceptance and denial I feel neutral but with my throat all caught up. I want to get up and walk away rather than think further. My mind is blanking and refusing to cooperate. I feel hazy and somewhat mystical but I pursue it further. Like a rubber band it is trying to snap back to the way it washow can I create permanent change. I will pray now. I can see within my mind, I am here within a higher state of thinking but I stare across a river that divides us looking back at my entire life and the way I have thought. How can I abandon so many patterns so many second natures so quickly with confidence within my new way of thinking? By what means do I have to stay here? If I close my eyes and dream I will lose everything. It will wipe my mind clean of every thought and fill me with its messageYou cant reason with dreams, they wont let you. They take control and guide you somewhere youve never been before and then you are there. Knocking at the door saying Hello, hello, I wish familiar", but that is life, dreaming is unfamiliar freedom.
Where do I trail off and where do I begin? Ill close this story/journey gently. You are loved for who you are and everything you will ever do.
The thing I appreciated about suicide girls was that it was a place I could share without censorship. That means something. In America (South and North), Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia and even Antarctica our voices are regulated, watched and subject to penalty by government. How daring I must be to address the situation honestly without use of a euphemism or analogy.
However, there is another agency which regulates our speech with such scrutiny that no government can achieve its effectiveness. This agency distorts the truth in its favor, will not acknowledge its own existence and will lie to all who challenge it. It is the agency of pride, what we think of ourselves.
For me, honesty is saying Im not the person I think I am. It is me actually saying Im not as cool as I think I am, I dont have the influence over others that Id like, I cant make everybody like me. I am immature, I cant control my emotions, I cant control how I act. I dont have any power over anybody who I am in love with. I am delusional. I tell myself I am cooler than I really am, and I believe it. I act cooler than I really am. I impress people whenever I can to gain approval so I can feel cool, so I can be cool. I just want to be the coolest guy ever, and Im okay with lying about so long as you believe it." That is honest and its painful to tell the truth, like I knife ripping into my side.
The truth is dumb. It comes out all ugly and retarded, filled with resentment. But its the truth you know. The clich is sometimes you have to just accept it I dont believe it though. I dont want to accept that Im very different from everyone else, that I may just be one in a million. That I may be the only one who will ever think like that. This. What I am really trying to say is that I am afraid of being right. That I am really frightened of being alone
But its okay to be different, its okay to be alone. We need people like you, we need people like me. What in the world is honestywhen it feels like parts of me are being pulled apart to look at the macabre inside, its a dissection. Worse than the ones in school, there we are taught the parts and what they are and what they mean. But here in the real world, not even a psychologist can tell you what some of the things you will find, with being honest, are. We all just stare amazed, shocked and think wow that came out of me?! How interesting
It is never a simple process being honest. It always takes a godlike act of courage or a dire act of desperation to say what we really mean. For some a bottle of Jack Daniels will get the message mumbled out. Either way it is hard to say when we are being honest if we are actually being honest. If there is not perhaps some part of the truth we are skewing, or aspect left without full illumination?
Whenever I think about the truth I automatically throw bumpers on so it doesnt hit as hard when I explain itbut I just wonder how bad could it be if its the truth. Would the world be better off with more honesty or less? Maybe if I philosophize about it, I can justify lying pragmatically? Then I wont have to face the truth or change my ways, I can go back to telling white lies.
The purpose of my life is to confront my fear and overcome it, to address it by name and function, to disarm its strengths and incorporate it into my being. The biggest error of my judgment is thinking I can do wrong or right. I can only be alive and either accept or deny something.
***
From this state of acceptance and denial I feel neutral but with my throat all caught up. I want to get up and walk away rather than think further. My mind is blanking and refusing to cooperate. I feel hazy and somewhat mystical but I pursue it further. Like a rubber band it is trying to snap back to the way it washow can I create permanent change. I will pray now. I can see within my mind, I am here within a higher state of thinking but I stare across a river that divides us looking back at my entire life and the way I have thought. How can I abandon so many patterns so many second natures so quickly with confidence within my new way of thinking? By what means do I have to stay here? If I close my eyes and dream I will lose everything. It will wipe my mind clean of every thought and fill me with its messageYou cant reason with dreams, they wont let you. They take control and guide you somewhere youve never been before and then you are there. Knocking at the door saying Hello, hello, I wish familiar", but that is life, dreaming is unfamiliar freedom.
Where do I trail off and where do I begin? Ill close this story/journey gently. You are loved for who you are and everything you will ever do.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
you are back.
....they always come back.
has the apocolypse happend in america yet??