antipunk

My dream last night was one of the deepest I've ever had. I was analyzing my dream while I dreamed two different dreams simultaneously. I was there with her the girl of my dreams but she was different. I realized I had fallen in love with a fantasy, something that couldn't be. The reality was severely flawed and I didn't understand what went wrong. I tried to change her appearance to what I recalled but I recognized I was forcing something and had no control at all. In my dream I tried to accept what I had created as satisfactory but deep inside it was eating at me and from the outside I could see. A representation of what love meant to me.

I'll start from the beginning. We met and I was surprised to see her for it was unexpected and unbelievable even for a dream. My love was finally here with me. We were in the hallway of an old apartment building on the top floor. We sat legs invading the hall propped up against the wall. She explained she had come to see me. I reached out my hand, held up her head by her chin and responded with callous jest. I knew the consequences would be severe. Her face turned red, she said "you're an asshole" and stormed off and left.

Unable to call her back I was afraid I had lost what I loved. Nonchalant I took steps down the hall and walking to a balcony I bent over and peered down until five flights of stairs I did fall. Dying there a bloody mess at the bottom on this concrete my vision turned white as a movie screen all I could do was hear anything. She said to me "what have you done" I laughed coughing blood and said "I thought you left me" She began to weep and being resurrected by her return we stood and left this city.

We traveled to the Himalayans or so I thought to live in a cottage away in peace. Each room was empty but our families came to live. She wasn't the same anymore, she looked different, I keep remembering how much joyous disbelief there was about her presence but I was willing to accept it as it was my dream. However it upset me that things weren't as they should be. She wasn't the same and I recall how I loved the idea most of all and expected great things above the reality of truth which was deceived.

Simultaneously I was split into another dream where we cuddled. I wanted nothing more than company and we weren't far from my original home. We laughed and played enjoying each others remarks but the dreams were blending together and I began to see. A third perspective was granted to me and I realized what it all would mean. The girl was my opinion of love how I expect people to be. That I try too hard to make them work and when it fails I abandon myself to be alone and comforted by what has failed. Although we are together in this comfort, we are apart as it is now based on lies and instead of growing together I grow discontented and reject it. I abandon infatuation in favor of settling realizing a have made a mistake from the beginning but do not want to correct it.

I become satisfied with my life until I destroy it. Lust has been my enemy and failure has been my result. Ownership, possession, validation, vanity, expectations, control and complacency have been my sins.

Everything that I've forced myself to believe when I awoke dissolved away. What I need or expected to receive has amounted to mean nothing. Without sorrow, remorse, guilt, joy, happiness or love I have been released. I need less devotion and more apathy to feel. It is not so serious but I keep thinking.

I'm blind, deaf and dumb with only my dreams to comfort me and they tell me I've already lost before I've won. I'm breathing slow and suffocating experiencing pain for the first time. I don't know what is good for me I don't know what I need. It was forced together with desire but it doesn't work that way. Things fall apart. I've realized we grow together.