antipunk

*spelling AtrOcious and thats the way its staying because thats the way I'm feeling*
*Bitch decoder rings not included*


I get off at rebeling against Life itself.
Death, suicide, chaos, apathy...fatalism.

Fuck society, I'm angry with life.

I wish everyday like it will never come true. I wish for death.

Kill me in an accident...so I can handle it. The misery of fatality graunted with the great excuse of being out of my control, it wasn't my fault! Its life, KILLING ME! Hahaha

I can't fix anything...Nothing works to calm the feelings that I have...an anxiety for life, like tommarrow I'm going to die. I'm so frightend! or at least I try to lie and pretend.

I was admiring the beauty of the bruises on my skeletal body.
Spun out of my mind, to high to care...so deathly, grim, like the living dead my body is a corpse. Staring at me in the mirror with sunken eyes from days of drug abuse. My ribs protruding as the meth burns away anything left, muscle deteriorating...

It never felt so good to feel so sick. Like I was hanging by a thread as each hour passed.
My stomach gurgling in starvation, my intestines cramped, my legs shaking. My mind INSANE!

Meth isn't like cocaine...you don't do some and stay awake, you do some and stay awwwwwwwwwwwake...
I'm getting acid tommarrow...alot of it.

Just the same OLD FUCKING VEGAS COCKTAIL!!!!! WHERES THE BOOZE!?!?
I DON'T DRINK!!!!!

meth, coke, acid fucked.

I'm so emotional I wanna cry and SCREAM!!! I HATE YOU ALL OF YOU!!!! I HATE ME ALL OF ME?!?

I don't know how to be happy...please explain it to me...

See I'm worse of than you...any of you.
I'm stuck and NO amount of drugs/sex/rage/fighting can numb the pain, its too intense...
THIS VERY DEEP, VERY AWARE SENSE that EVERYTHING IS WRONG!
I stop drowning on alcohol just long enough to realize that I'm stuck in the middle of the FUCKING ocean with NOTHING around me...drowning won't change anything...

Theres no drug to cure resentment...

"I just want something, ANYTHING! to matter to me, please, please, please! "
The silent unspoken prayer of every hopeless who can't believe in fiction.
I don't want to be a real boy, I want to be like all the other boys.
Whats so great about knowing the end of a good story?

A mindless robot IMMUNE! to all the worlds most potent drugs... Even heroine falls short...
Stuck living this god damn lie!!!!! I"M SICK OF IT!!!
I pretend like I care as I sit at my desk typing and working, laughing and manipulating.
I pretend like I care as I sit with my friends druging and gaming, laughing and manipulating.
I pretend like I care as she says "Your My Hero" well thats funny cause I never met a hero who saved people like I do, condeming them to there own mental hellspawn...
I'M SO SICK OF PRETENDING THIS LIFE, YOUR LIFE! IS WORTH LIVING...
So empty...and shallow...why do I make money? to be happy? but I'm not happy and I make alot of money...so why do I make money...because EVERYONE else keeps telling me its what I need to do...pathetic I'm no better than any of you. Shoot me now like you ought to.

I want so much out of life it fucking hurts to live. Physical & emotional pain is nothing like this...
The feeling like each breath isn't worth it, like movement is impossible, a concious act on the unwilling body to die without external input. To stop my heart...stop my breathing...stop my thinking...because living like everyone else is murder and I'm dieing as I try to suffocate...No Hope, No Escape.

These thoughts of happiness are SO FUCKING WRONG AND WORTHLESS! I can't stand it..everyone being wrong...even drugs...sex...and madness...CAN't dull the pain of hate. The burden of resentment, the obligation to tear apart EVERYTHING about me because I don't belong I don't fit in! Its natural selection...

I want to run! Be wild and explore! I want to TASTE LIFE! at FULL FORCE! Overwehlm me...
But'll have nothing to come back to...no "great" job, no "good" friends, no fake family relationships...what am I doing here...I'll tell you the hopless truth, none of that shit matters to me and would never want to keep it but I don't know what lies out there for me but the realization that I am retarded for becoming a street kid. The street are worse off with even less to offer...except maybe other street kids...but there so pathetic...what are they doing except the exact same thing I was doing. Just being worthless, without any accomplishment of self will

I don't know what I need, I don't know what I want, I don't know who I am, I don't know if I care about anything...anything except fantasy...love.

Shall I come save myself...I have been called a hero more than once...

tick tock tick tock tick tock....you know, just life running out on you!
Quick! catch it before it matters! haha

A destenation if you will!