antiprincess

So here I am, in a place I wasn't planning on being for a very long time, if ever. At times I thought there was a chance, albeit small, that I would take up permanent residence in this city. I love San Francisco, and was planning on sticking around for a good couple of years more, at least.

Yet here I am, very strongly considering leaving. Right now, the hypothetical plan is just for the summer, and then I'd come back to finish my certificate program in the fall. But I have to acknowledge the possibility that after living with Tony for a few months, I'm not going to want to leave. And what if I get a job down there? And then all of a sudden, I'm not a city girl anymore, just like that. And may never be again. And I'm really ambivalent about the possibility. I love San Francisco. The culture, the diversity, the community, I love being a part of all that.

On the other hand, a part of me (size of part may vary) has always wanted to go back to my suburban roots. In some ways, I feel like my stay in San Francisco has been sort of separate from the rest of my life. I've lived in lots of places in the city, and been mostly happy in each of them. But I've never put down roots, got to know my neighbors, or any of that. With few exceptions, I haven't really made any lifelong-type friends here. I say this without an ounce of self-pity, only as a statement of fact, but if I leave the city, less than half a dozen people will miss me.

It's kind of like San Francisco is stasis; it's my Neverland. As long as I'm here, I never have to be a grown-up (which is not to say I haven't done an extraordinary amount of growing up while here). For me, being a grown-up means that suburban picture of things; the partner, the house, the 2.5 kids, the dog, etc. And these are all beautiful things I want in my life someday. For me, the real question is whether I'm ready to start working towards those things in the near future (not to say I want to start popping out kids tomorrow or anything). And, ya know, I think I just might be.

I miss Tony so much right now, I cannot wait to be near him again, and I cannot wait until I don't have to leave him. And to know he feels the same way, to not doubt the intensity of his feelings one bit, that's extraordinary. It might sound like I feel like I'm making a sacrifice if I move in with him, and maybe I am, but it sure doesn't feel like it right now. I don't yearn for the city, and should I, it will always be here for me to visit. It pains me to imagine even 7 more weeks of having to miss Tony. (Well, I guess actually only like 4 weeks, every other week, of missing him.)