antiprincess

Sometimes I'm sitting around, at work or whatever, and all of a sudden I feel like bursting into tears. I just get this sudden flash of feeling absolutely alone in the world. And it's not just about the divorce, or whatever. It's way more existential than that. I think. It's really hard to explain. And it's a hard feeling to hold onto, not that I particularly want to. I remember when I was younger, getting similar flashes, except then the feeling was more about confusion than despair, but it had that same detached from the rest of the world feeling, like viewing human existence from an entirely different place. And I never tried to explain it to anyone, because I knew it would come out sounding like the preceding crazy nonsense. Anyway...

I'm going to visit my mom this weekend. I love my mom dearly, she's an amazing person, but sometimes I wish I lived farther away so she couldn't guilt me coming to visit so often. I love her and I miss her, but I'm trying to live a life of my own, too, and most weeks I'm too tired to do that on the weekdays. And whenever I imply that she needs to give me some space (like maybe she could go a day or 2 without talking to me on the phone, and we'd both survive), she gets insulted. Somedays I don't want to talk to anybody, and she just can't understand that. Or if I try to get off the phone, it's "Oh, fine, you're too busy to talk to me," in a way that sounds teasing, but isn't, really.

I feel really shitty tonight.

How did my life go so horribly wrong?