antiprincess

Today's journal is dedicated to Peter and Natalie (my former best friend long time readers may remember).

I remember with bittersweet nostalgia what it was like to have someone to face the world with. Someone who already knew the whole story. Someone with whom some things really could just go unsaid. Because you knew. You just knew. You knew me inside and out, and I didn't have to explain myself to you. And vice-versa. I knew what movies you would enjoy, or what joke you would appreciate, and it's still hard not to always call you up to share things with you, all the little things that I feel still connect us.

And the bad things were never really so bad when you were there to be my shoulder. We could laugh and cry through anything with equal intensity. And everything was catastrophic and everything was relatively minor, and everything was survivable. My shoulders get awfully tired of bearing everything on their own these days. Not because I don't have friends and family who still love and care about me, I do. But now who know me or understand me like you did. I am again alone in a crowd.

And sometimes I'm very sure you hardly know that I'm gone. And I'm mostly sure that you don't really know how horrible a thing you have really done to me. And I'm almost positive you don't miss me like I miss you. And that kills me more than anything, to have realized I wasn't as important in your life as I thought I was. I can be easily forgotten and replaced. And when I'm not hating you for that, my heart aches for you, and the way our souls connected.

But I am entirely too proud to beg. Mostly. I will bite my tongue, and try my damnedest to forget the years where you were the most vital part of my life. I'll try to ignore the fact that with few exceptions, each month of my life seems to be the worst yet. I'll go on projecting the image of the strong, independent, kind girl I need for the world to believe I am.

In the meantime, fuck you, you assholes.