Reposting as an Independence Day tradition.
On this day of celebration the 229th anniversary of Americas Declaration of Independence, many citizens are looking back (and singer/actress Cher actually reminiscing) at the events which sculpted our great nation. Many other citizens attempt to chronicle the events which sculpted Chers face and figure.
Arguably, the most instrumental episode was the Boston Tea Party, where the Sons of Liberty dumped 342 crates of tea into Boston Harbor, sending a message to the British that they had it up to their puritanical asses in taxation without representation. However, this was not the only act of rebellion by frustrated colonists. New Worlders from all over the thirteen colonies staged their own insurrections, only to be overshadowed by the media machine publicizing the more popular Massachusetts demonstration. In the interest of patriotism, here are a few of the forgotten events:
The Rehoboth, Delaware Pajama Party Tempers flared in the northeast and citizens of this little mid-Atlantic city were not immune. While fathers went off to battle and mothers proudly sewed flags and angrily washed unmentionables, the children more accurately, the girls, wanted to do their part to express their discontent with society. A courageous group of teens clandestinely gathered nightly at a different girls house, so to not be tracked by British spies. Once congregated, the girls would rebelliously cast off their day garments in favor of unmentionable bedthings -- and engage in pillow fights, magazine reading and heated discussions of boys. Factions of this pioneering group still exist today all over the country.
The Long Island Ice Tea Party Angry New Yorkers mirrored the Sons of Liberty by dumping crates of tea into the Long Island Sound, but there simply wasnt enough of the product to make a decent impression. One inspired colonist then threw in some vodka and other followed his lead by tossing in gin, white rum, tequila, triple sec and lemon juice. After jumping into their concoction in celebration, the rest of the night consisted of half of the participants holding the powdered wigs of their vomiting brothers. The next morning, the incident was completely forgotten.
The Times Square Adult Theater Shutdown Even before there were porno movie theaters in the seedy mid-town district of Manhattan Island, the area was filled with bawdy Adult Theaters, with one show in particular enjoying immense popularity. At the trendy Globe, Jr. Theater, colonists and royal subjects alike were entertained by the nightly performance of the ribald comedy, Knickers, Schmickers! As a means of revolting against the British tax on lobby concessions and handkerchiefs, theater owners closed their doors to the public. This proved to be a very effective maneuver, as the Brits immediately reduced the tax and provided complimentary napkins. Only one day had passed and they could once again enjoy the show, which included the crowd-pleasing line delivered by Lord Altamont to Lady Eleanor, I want to put my crumpet in your larder!
The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Soiree Citizens of the capital city were not immune to the repression and felt a growing frustration with the way they were being governed. However, they could not be so bold as to mount a public display of displeasure. Benjamin Franklin himself (who would later be mistaken by millions for a President of the United States) organized an event that would lend a voice to the populace while remaining undiscovered by the oppressors. Intellectual guests at the exclusive breakfast meeting would assign characteristics of the British Empire to dairy products as a means of allegorical sedition. Milk would represent the Protestant religion, and when left to sit overnight would become gelatinous, or symbolically, Baptists. While the protest was stimulating and provided a delicious spread for muffins and bagels, Franklin was not satisfied. Not violent enough for his taste, Franklin then ordered the creation of whipped cream cheese, which would show the British that the Philadelphians meant business, if only they had the wherewithal to reveal the discovery. This naturally satiated the Pennsylvanians need for justice at the time. The city would later use the same principle of disguised resistance by eventually creating cheese steaks and sports teams that choke in the playoffs.
The Georgia Pig Fuck While the British men were making sweet love to their British women, Georgians responded by having sex with pigs. History records that it didnt seem to do much in the way of decreasing the Redcoats morale or even garnering support among the Colonists, but the hot, summer Georgia sun will make you do some weird shit. And sometimes, it just gets lonely.
We live in a country where we have to freedom to pursue our own goals and be whatever we want to be. Chers plastic surgeon can attest to that. Happy 4th!!
TL
On this day of celebration the 229th anniversary of Americas Declaration of Independence, many citizens are looking back (and singer/actress Cher actually reminiscing) at the events which sculpted our great nation. Many other citizens attempt to chronicle the events which sculpted Chers face and figure.
Arguably, the most instrumental episode was the Boston Tea Party, where the Sons of Liberty dumped 342 crates of tea into Boston Harbor, sending a message to the British that they had it up to their puritanical asses in taxation without representation. However, this was not the only act of rebellion by frustrated colonists. New Worlders from all over the thirteen colonies staged their own insurrections, only to be overshadowed by the media machine publicizing the more popular Massachusetts demonstration. In the interest of patriotism, here are a few of the forgotten events:
The Rehoboth, Delaware Pajama Party Tempers flared in the northeast and citizens of this little mid-Atlantic city were not immune. While fathers went off to battle and mothers proudly sewed flags and angrily washed unmentionables, the children more accurately, the girls, wanted to do their part to express their discontent with society. A courageous group of teens clandestinely gathered nightly at a different girls house, so to not be tracked by British spies. Once congregated, the girls would rebelliously cast off their day garments in favor of unmentionable bedthings -- and engage in pillow fights, magazine reading and heated discussions of boys. Factions of this pioneering group still exist today all over the country.
The Long Island Ice Tea Party Angry New Yorkers mirrored the Sons of Liberty by dumping crates of tea into the Long Island Sound, but there simply wasnt enough of the product to make a decent impression. One inspired colonist then threw in some vodka and other followed his lead by tossing in gin, white rum, tequila, triple sec and lemon juice. After jumping into their concoction in celebration, the rest of the night consisted of half of the participants holding the powdered wigs of their vomiting brothers. The next morning, the incident was completely forgotten.
The Times Square Adult Theater Shutdown Even before there were porno movie theaters in the seedy mid-town district of Manhattan Island, the area was filled with bawdy Adult Theaters, with one show in particular enjoying immense popularity. At the trendy Globe, Jr. Theater, colonists and royal subjects alike were entertained by the nightly performance of the ribald comedy, Knickers, Schmickers! As a means of revolting against the British tax on lobby concessions and handkerchiefs, theater owners closed their doors to the public. This proved to be a very effective maneuver, as the Brits immediately reduced the tax and provided complimentary napkins. Only one day had passed and they could once again enjoy the show, which included the crowd-pleasing line delivered by Lord Altamont to Lady Eleanor, I want to put my crumpet in your larder!
The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Soiree Citizens of the capital city were not immune to the repression and felt a growing frustration with the way they were being governed. However, they could not be so bold as to mount a public display of displeasure. Benjamin Franklin himself (who would later be mistaken by millions for a President of the United States) organized an event that would lend a voice to the populace while remaining undiscovered by the oppressors. Intellectual guests at the exclusive breakfast meeting would assign characteristics of the British Empire to dairy products as a means of allegorical sedition. Milk would represent the Protestant religion, and when left to sit overnight would become gelatinous, or symbolically, Baptists. While the protest was stimulating and provided a delicious spread for muffins and bagels, Franklin was not satisfied. Not violent enough for his taste, Franklin then ordered the creation of whipped cream cheese, which would show the British that the Philadelphians meant business, if only they had the wherewithal to reveal the discovery. This naturally satiated the Pennsylvanians need for justice at the time. The city would later use the same principle of disguised resistance by eventually creating cheese steaks and sports teams that choke in the playoffs.
The Georgia Pig Fuck While the British men were making sweet love to their British women, Georgians responded by having sex with pigs. History records that it didnt seem to do much in the way of decreasing the Redcoats morale or even garnering support among the Colonists, but the hot, summer Georgia sun will make you do some weird shit. And sometimes, it just gets lonely.
We live in a country where we have to freedom to pursue our own goals and be whatever we want to be. Chers plastic surgeon can attest to that. Happy 4th!!
TL
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
severus:
thankssss for sending me songs! i hope you're good, my mouth hurts. i want to EAT tomorrow. 
drake:
That would be lovely, unfortunately I don't know Eliska. 