So in the interest of self-exploration and discovering nature, I decided to go for a... well, for arguments sake, lets call it a hike in the Topanga State Park.
To get there, I had to drive along the world famous Pacific Coast Highway, which people never tell you smells strongly of fish.
I was naturally stuck in traffic, so I attempted a pretentious rearview mirror shot.
When Im in Topanga, I like to stop at Hidden Treasures, because its a funky vintage clothing/furniture/kitschy store.
This the kind of stuff they sell.
The point of this trek was to get in touch with nature and my place within it. Now, Im not really an outdoorsy guy. I am much better described as indoorsy. With a touch of Jimmy Dorsey thrown in.
So this is where I started. Deadhorse trail. As I am not a horse, I felt pretty confident I would make it out of this alive. I was about a minute and a half into my hike when I saw this:
See the very tippy top there. Thats my destination. Topanga is very high above much of LA, which gives you a nifty view of the surrounding area. This is also about the time when I realized I had to pee.
These are houses high up in the hills. Celebrities live here. The villa on the far left: Danny DeVitos house. Next to it is Ally Sheedys place. Right in the middle is the house where Colin Farrell is knocking the bottom out of some bimbo actress wannabe he met last night at a party.. There is actually a 1 in 20 chance that it is my ex.
This is a bridge I had to cross. Not really special except in its Blair Witchiness. At any moment I thought I was going to find a hick town college drama major standing in the corner of a shack.
About 10 minutes of being in the woods, I remembered why I dont hike a lot. Heres why:
Im afraid of nature. There were about 9,000 of these holes in the ground and I was convinced that each one housed a big, thick-ass rattlesnake. I do not like rattlesnakes and I have no desire to be the disappointing snack of one of them. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a girl last week about water moccasins in which I told her I dont like them either. Also high on the list of things I dont want to be devoured by: mountain lions, hornets, grizzly bears, kodiak bears & polar bears. Dont laugh theyre the top of the food chain and this global warming is no joke.
I did see lots of people on the trail, though. Most of them friendly senior citizens.
I ran into this guy, who looked just like a shrub! I asked him if he was related to George Bush, but he didnt laugh. I guess he hears it all the time because he said, Yes. Yes I am. Jackass.
Near the top of the trail, this smacked me in the face.
Here is a shot of how far down it is to the bottom. I dont know if you can see, but its really, really far. I know this because I saw a Chinese couple down there.
Okay, I found 2 remarkable things about this piece of flora. First, notice the blue tint to some of its leaves. Also, this is the exact point where I realized I had no clue how to get back down.
I sat on this bench and waited for hour, but a fucking bus never showed.
This flower was begging for a vagina joke, but I was way too tired.
Here is a faucet with sweet, life-giving water dripping from it.
I was lucky enough to get this shot of a lizard effectively using its natural camoflage. After a little research, I discovered its specific species is the Fucking Lizard That Scared the Shit Out of Me. This is my own fault, however, as I was warned that many lizards like to sun themselves on rocks, as demonstrated here:
Eventually, I just ended up at Colin Farells place.
He posed for me all angsty while the bimbo actually made a pretty decent Denver omelette. She offered to have her boyfriend give me a ride back to my car when he picked her up. She called him and told him she and Colin were just friends. Are LA women taught this in elementary school or are they just born with the skill?
On the way back to the park, I saw this awesome house and had to photograph it. I would live here like a motherfucker!
And check out this backyard! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
So, thus ended my journey down Deadhorse Trail. Disappointingly, there were no dead horses. I suppose they were all devoured by the polar bears.
To get there, I had to drive along the world famous Pacific Coast Highway, which people never tell you smells strongly of fish.
I was naturally stuck in traffic, so I attempted a pretentious rearview mirror shot.
When Im in Topanga, I like to stop at Hidden Treasures, because its a funky vintage clothing/furniture/kitschy store.
This the kind of stuff they sell.
The point of this trek was to get in touch with nature and my place within it. Now, Im not really an outdoorsy guy. I am much better described as indoorsy. With a touch of Jimmy Dorsey thrown in.
So this is where I started. Deadhorse trail. As I am not a horse, I felt pretty confident I would make it out of this alive. I was about a minute and a half into my hike when I saw this:
See the very tippy top there. Thats my destination. Topanga is very high above much of LA, which gives you a nifty view of the surrounding area. This is also about the time when I realized I had to pee.
These are houses high up in the hills. Celebrities live here. The villa on the far left: Danny DeVitos house. Next to it is Ally Sheedys place. Right in the middle is the house where Colin Farrell is knocking the bottom out of some bimbo actress wannabe he met last night at a party.. There is actually a 1 in 20 chance that it is my ex.
This is a bridge I had to cross. Not really special except in its Blair Witchiness. At any moment I thought I was going to find a hick town college drama major standing in the corner of a shack.
About 10 minutes of being in the woods, I remembered why I dont hike a lot. Heres why:
Im afraid of nature. There were about 9,000 of these holes in the ground and I was convinced that each one housed a big, thick-ass rattlesnake. I do not like rattlesnakes and I have no desire to be the disappointing snack of one of them. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a girl last week about water moccasins in which I told her I dont like them either. Also high on the list of things I dont want to be devoured by: mountain lions, hornets, grizzly bears, kodiak bears & polar bears. Dont laugh theyre the top of the food chain and this global warming is no joke.
I did see lots of people on the trail, though. Most of them friendly senior citizens.
I ran into this guy, who looked just like a shrub! I asked him if he was related to George Bush, but he didnt laugh. I guess he hears it all the time because he said, Yes. Yes I am. Jackass.
Near the top of the trail, this smacked me in the face.
Here is a shot of how far down it is to the bottom. I dont know if you can see, but its really, really far. I know this because I saw a Chinese couple down there.
Okay, I found 2 remarkable things about this piece of flora. First, notice the blue tint to some of its leaves. Also, this is the exact point where I realized I had no clue how to get back down.
I sat on this bench and waited for hour, but a fucking bus never showed.
This flower was begging for a vagina joke, but I was way too tired.
Here is a faucet with sweet, life-giving water dripping from it.
I was lucky enough to get this shot of a lizard effectively using its natural camoflage. After a little research, I discovered its specific species is the Fucking Lizard That Scared the Shit Out of Me. This is my own fault, however, as I was warned that many lizards like to sun themselves on rocks, as demonstrated here:
Eventually, I just ended up at Colin Farells place.
He posed for me all angsty while the bimbo actually made a pretty decent Denver omelette. She offered to have her boyfriend give me a ride back to my car when he picked her up. She called him and told him she and Colin were just friends. Are LA women taught this in elementary school or are they just born with the skill?
On the way back to the park, I saw this awesome house and had to photograph it. I would live here like a motherfucker!
And check out this backyard! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
So, thus ended my journey down Deadhorse Trail. Disappointingly, there were no dead horses. I suppose they were all devoured by the polar bears.
VIEW 25 of 25 COMMENTS
threestares:
i would choose horse or radish over horse radish. 
hellomrworld:
it would be funny if you did run into a celebrity house accidentally though ...