anticus

I figure everyone has read the anger letter who is going to read it, so I'm updating.

Valentine's Day was hard. It's really starting to sink in that we're not a part of each other's lives anymore. More than anything, I just miss talking to her. She made me laugh more than any woman ever has and I loved her voice.

Every day is a test. Sometimes I think I've got a grip - other times I feel like I'm just ignoring the problem, hoping it will go away. But there's more to this than just her.

There are reasons I'm having such a difficult time dealing with this that clearly are internal.

I learned with her that I am emotionally ready and willing to be a husband, but I'm not financially. That doesn't make me much of a catch out here. That's a big insecurity.

I'm living the life of an artist, but have not created anything in a year. I have several ideas - but am terrified I won't be able to execute them - for them to be what I hope they could be.

I really don't think I'm as good a writer as I'm given credit for. Good writers have discipline. Good writers can re-write. That's super tough for me - to spot flaws in my stories and be able to fix them. I'm in constant need of an editor.

It's raining now - and grey - it's the season for it. Which won't help my mood.

I don't know how to be happy. Should it make me jump for joy simply for me to know that I'm a good person with a good heart, considerate and polite? That I can make people laugh?

I've never been one of those "count your blessings" kind of guys. Maybe I should become one?

Please, if there is a God, don't let me call her or contact her. Please let me see how bad she was for me. Please help me let her go. Please help me to move on.