anticus

I spent some time with one of my favorite people tonight - Casidee Riley. She is funny, fun, pretty, sexy - has a big personality.

I just didn't feel like myself. Like I had nothing to add. She was drunk so I don't think she noticed. But it sucks that I can't enjoy the company of someone I adore;

I need something to happen. Something that will spark me to re-emerge. It happened years ago, after my last break-up. I went to NY to work on the Macys Thanksgiving Parade. No one knew me. I was able to just let go and be big and me. I don't feel like I have that opportunity this time. I'm buried in work and around people who know me. Can't really reinvent myself there.

Maybe after the Oscars, I will take a vacation to somewhere I've never been. Although I doubt I could afford it.

I feel like I'm sinking rather than growing. My story for The Wicked West is awful. I can't see how to fix it. All I want is for time to pass so I can forget her - but at the same time I am anxious and frustrated that another year will pass where I have been unproductive. I just can't be creative while depressed.

I don't know who I am anymore. I miss creating.

I am not living. I am only surviving.