Friday Jan 27, 2006

0
Have had a panic attack both yesterday and today while at work. Got to be so bad I thought I would burst. I wanted to call her - or IM her - or something. Wanted to hear her say she fucked up big time.

I didn't. Because - what's the point.

Now, in the evening (well, night) - I am more clear headed and accepting of the fact that it's over. And why it's over.

Everyone tells me this is a blessing. That I found out now - or that I'm free to find the right girl for me.

I'm angry at her for being so fucking sweet to me superficially. If she was miserable - then I don't think this would be as hard. But I suppose she had to in order to keep me around buying dinners and whatnot.

I go to bed hating her and wake up hating her. In between I miss her.

I really, really loved being her boyfriend. And that's pathetic and unhealthy.
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severus:
I wish I could shut your brain off for a while. Like, get som fucking rest from all of this. Just for a little while or your mind will go crazy. You do need to do things you find really great, ok, even if you have to work alot, you can't just work, or think of her and this and that. If you're so fucked up about this as it seems, I maybe think talking to her would have helped IF SHE WASNT SO CRAZY cause from what you've said it doesn't really seem to help even a little to talk to her about it, question her and what not. That's really annoying.
threestares:
this, too, will pass. smile

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