anticool

I wonder what it would be like, if I had lost all of my devised to hide, and by hide I mean lie. That is what hiding is really, just another form of a lie. One more way to distort ones true self, that self that is alone in the quite moments, out of the view of the outside world. Though, in truth, this world of self absorbed "others" in most cases really has no true desire to even look. Too worried about what others perceive of them, and what it is that they too can lie behind made up faces.

But back to the original thought; what would that be like. Even in this moment, the idea is so frittening that I find myself breathing in an odd pattern. My chest tight with the very idea of being splayed open for all to see. Yet, this is coupled with an overwhelming force of excitement. I want to stand from my chair and jump, waving my arms around with abandon. What would this be like, to live for a time with all being seen? I don't even know if it is possible to have that sort of freedom.

What if I were able to let everyone in, for a time, just for a short time? What would that be like? Would there be anyone left in the end? Would this be just my thoughts on me, or everyone. How I feel about everyone, what I think when they are standing before me? I could see how that could be painful to others. I don't think that ones freedom should come at the cost of another's feelings. That isn't really fair is it? I'm not even completely honest with my journal, let alone another human being. How many times a day to I posture for myself, trying to convince even me of the lie?

I wish to be naked, true for all to see. I wish to know what that state of being is like. Can I be in that place? That would be truth. I feel as if I've only been presented with the idea of truth being pretty, and good. That is not truth. Truth can be dirty, and hurtful. Truth can be the greatest source of pain. I don't know one truly honest person, and I don't think that person excites. (I mean a true human being, not any sort of god. I just know someone would try and through that one out. Which is clearly not what I am talking about.) I hold myself as the highest offender.

I want truth, or at least I think I do....