Been a little bit, I didn't want to burden anyone with my grumblings so... If you don't wanna be subjected to my doldrums, don't read.
Intellectually speaking, I have nothing to complain about personally, I have a beautiful home, a few friends, plenty of food & very little responsibility.
Emotionally though, I am a complete wreck. I am, at 33, alone for the first time since Junior High. I find myself without the basic social skills needed to attract positivity in my life. I am a misanthrope searching for human connection... how conflicted can one mind be?
So I find myself wandering around this house, trying to make things feel like home, but I've never really felt at home alone with myself, I doubt some aesthetic ideal will repair that predicament. By day I am tragic & lonely, by night I am drunk & gregarious. I try to be positive, but I have very little to pull from. I try to keep my spirits up with humor, but my humor is so dark, it's rarely understood or appreciated.
I need to cool out on the drinking, but that particular form of self medicating really does seem to help, or at least distract. I'm not one of those sad drunks, in fact, I find myself much more happy-go-lucky when intoxicated.
I left a very nice life (not exciting, but comfortable), to try and create the existence that I always wanted for myself. I am on a great journey, but blazing a new trail is hard & lonely work. I would like a partner to share my little triumphs & failures with. Someone I can forget my own worries with, and concentrate on making them happy. But nothing comes to those who seek it, I have learned, so I do my damndest to push those romantic inclinations aside & focus on my emotional growth.
Remember the greatest city in the world in generosity. So, if I offend or if I make you nervous, please try to keep in mind that I am utterly lost in a brand new world. If you took the time to read this, I thank you.
One last thought. On love. Love is a word I use freely, as I believe that all love ends in tragedy, so you either embrace that inevitability, or you shrink from the idea of experiencing that eventual pain. I am a strict Atheist, and I'm not getting any younger. I'm not afraid to be hurt, so I will tell you I love you as soon as I have a reason to. I believe love is not this elusive, magical experience. It's more letting your guard down and seeing what beauty an individual has to offer. I'm doing everything I can to not use my guard at all.
With that being said, I love you all. I hope all your desires come to fruition (as long as they don't conflict with mine
).
Intellectually speaking, I have nothing to complain about personally, I have a beautiful home, a few friends, plenty of food & very little responsibility.
Emotionally though, I am a complete wreck. I am, at 33, alone for the first time since Junior High. I find myself without the basic social skills needed to attract positivity in my life. I am a misanthrope searching for human connection... how conflicted can one mind be?
So I find myself wandering around this house, trying to make things feel like home, but I've never really felt at home alone with myself, I doubt some aesthetic ideal will repair that predicament. By day I am tragic & lonely, by night I am drunk & gregarious. I try to be positive, but I have very little to pull from. I try to keep my spirits up with humor, but my humor is so dark, it's rarely understood or appreciated.
I need to cool out on the drinking, but that particular form of self medicating really does seem to help, or at least distract. I'm not one of those sad drunks, in fact, I find myself much more happy-go-lucky when intoxicated.
I left a very nice life (not exciting, but comfortable), to try and create the existence that I always wanted for myself. I am on a great journey, but blazing a new trail is hard & lonely work. I would like a partner to share my little triumphs & failures with. Someone I can forget my own worries with, and concentrate on making them happy. But nothing comes to those who seek it, I have learned, so I do my damndest to push those romantic inclinations aside & focus on my emotional growth.
Remember the greatest city in the world in generosity. So, if I offend or if I make you nervous, please try to keep in mind that I am utterly lost in a brand new world. If you took the time to read this, I thank you.
One last thought. On love. Love is a word I use freely, as I believe that all love ends in tragedy, so you either embrace that inevitability, or you shrink from the idea of experiencing that eventual pain. I am a strict Atheist, and I'm not getting any younger. I'm not afraid to be hurt, so I will tell you I love you as soon as I have a reason to. I believe love is not this elusive, magical experience. It's more letting your guard down and seeing what beauty an individual has to offer. I'm doing everything I can to not use my guard at all.
With that being said, I love you all. I hope all your desires come to fruition (as long as they don't conflict with mine
).VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
I can say that after spending several weeks sober, you notice the more subtle things in life that alcohol numbs away. Sure, some of those subtle things can be irritating or painful, but you also notice how things carry a certain beauty that one might not notice otherwise.