ABC finally airs another Alias episode, and there's no WILL in it? What the fuck! There's that whole Francinator hypnotizing Will plot that needs to be resolved. And the... Will has really pretty eyes thing that needs to be shown.
Okay. Fine. You guys don't want to show me Bradley Cooper? I'll just want Bradley Cooper spank David Wain in that "Yoga" short. Seriously, it's like, pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow forward. Over and over again, ad infinitum! And it's not like I think David Wain is hot. I don't. I think Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black are hot. Hold on, I'm going to watch the "Raking Leaves" short, because they splice in footage from that scene of Michael Ian Black and Bradley Cooper fucking that was edited out of Wet Hot American Summer. But you can see it, thanks to the magic of DVD!!!!!!! Yayyyy! It's the scene where they're fucking in the shed or whatever, and Bradley Cooper apparently improv'd, "Say my name." And Michael Ian Black says, "Ben!" because that's the name of Bradley Cooper's character. And then Bradley Cooper says, "No, no. Say my Christian name." And then Michael Ian Black says, "Benjamin!" And now I giggle because I'm thinking about the gay wedding scene. And the sweatsocks.
Okay, watch the movie "Raking Leaves," and then you can come back and read what I have to write, which isn't very interesting. It's all, "Oh my god, blonde chick from Ed, stop touching tongues with the man I love!" That "man I love" bit will be funny once you watch the movie. Or it might not be. I don't know.
Man. I just paused "Raking Leaves," because Bradley needs to stop flirting with that blonde chick from Ed. But I can pretend he's smoking for me. He is SMOKING. God, I have this crazy smoking fetish, and it's crazy because I don't smoke. But... Oh. It's fucking hot. Just... exhale in my general direction. And, oh, exhale through your nose, because I think that's hot.
Heh. "Mother Nature, I like your jeans."
Hee again. "He's satin!" [sic]
Pause. Rewind. Slow forward. Dang. Quicktime doesn't have a slow forward. Bradley Cooper looks really hot with his pants around his ankles. Why can't this movie have pegging jokes? Almost all of the other ones have pegging jokes!
Pause... Oh. Bradley Cooper has a really nice torso. Pull his shirt up! Take it off! Yeah!
Okay, I'm pretty sure Bradley Cooper would be a top, and Michael Ian Black would be a big nelly bottom, but I think they might both be straight. Bradley Cooper better be straight. Please?
Okay, when Bradley Cooper says, "You were fantastic," I'll just pretend he's talking about fucking me. Okay? Okay.
Yayyyyyy. We did it.
Hey. This one didn't have pegging jokes or a big black dildo. What's up with that? Even the one with Sam Rockwell had a huge dildo in it. And if you think I won't buy Confessions of a Dangerous Mind on DVD just so I can look at Sam Rockwell's naked ass over and and over again, you would be wrong. Furthermore, what the hell is up with Sam Rockwell's teeth in "Bored"? They're huge. I think they must be falsies. Either way, I really want to give Sam Rockwell "a tip."
Wow. Studying sure makes me pathetically horny.
Oh. Right. I wanted to talk about Girlfriends LA. It's this catalog I used to buy stuff from in high school when I was my most agoraphobic. I mostly just bought Rocky Horror tee shirts and sweatpants with odd words on the ass, like, "TART." Why does my ass say "TART"? I don't know. I guess I don't have a sweet ass.
Anyhow, they now have really cute Suicide Girl-esque models. There's this one girl with pink hair and rockabilly tattoos. I don't know if they're fake, but I'm going to say they're not. She has ones on her arms, and cherry tattoos on her stomach, and she has the cutest little tummy. I want to lick it. Again, with the pathetic display of horniness. Sorry, folks. There's also a girl with Bettie bangs, and a girl with dyke-short buzzed hair dyed magenta -- she has three facial piercings and a snake tattoo and a spider tattoo, and she can be my girlfriend. I don't know. They have some tee shirts from bands I like, like Tiger Army. It's a teen catalog, and they have AFI, Dropkick Murphys, Tiger Army, and Ramones shirts. I think that's rad cool. And I really want to buy this dress.
Though, I think they should 86 the Fred Durst on the splash page. Seriously, click on Fred Durst's face and vote for bands that don't suck. Vote for Yo La Tengo. Or Belle & Sebastian. Heck, go ahead and vote for Wilco. Please. Or you can do what I did, after stuffing the ballot box with Yo La Tengo. You can submit "Anal Cunt" via the fill-in box. Over and over again. That was... pointless and FUN.
I don't know why I care so much about that catalog right now. I think it's because I really want to bone that girl with the short hair. Look at her. She is cuuute.
Before I get to the Epitaph of the Day, I want to link to this funny story about Courtney Cox's asshole. You'll be glad you did.
Okay. The Epitaph of the Day is reported from hearsay in Hatfield, Massachusetts and Pownal, Vermont, and it's "obviously" derived from a longer version in Plymouth, England, 1750:
Here lies as silent clay
Miss Arabella Young
Who on the 21st of May
1771
Began to hold her tongue.
Okay. Fine. You guys don't want to show me Bradley Cooper? I'll just want Bradley Cooper spank David Wain in that "Yoga" short. Seriously, it's like, pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow forward. Over and over again, ad infinitum! And it's not like I think David Wain is hot. I don't. I think Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black are hot. Hold on, I'm going to watch the "Raking Leaves" short, because they splice in footage from that scene of Michael Ian Black and Bradley Cooper fucking that was edited out of Wet Hot American Summer. But you can see it, thanks to the magic of DVD!!!!!!! Yayyyy! It's the scene where they're fucking in the shed or whatever, and Bradley Cooper apparently improv'd, "Say my name." And Michael Ian Black says, "Ben!" because that's the name of Bradley Cooper's character. And then Bradley Cooper says, "No, no. Say my Christian name." And then Michael Ian Black says, "Benjamin!" And now I giggle because I'm thinking about the gay wedding scene. And the sweatsocks.
Okay, watch the movie "Raking Leaves," and then you can come back and read what I have to write, which isn't very interesting. It's all, "Oh my god, blonde chick from Ed, stop touching tongues with the man I love!" That "man I love" bit will be funny once you watch the movie. Or it might not be. I don't know.
Man. I just paused "Raking Leaves," because Bradley needs to stop flirting with that blonde chick from Ed. But I can pretend he's smoking for me. He is SMOKING. God, I have this crazy smoking fetish, and it's crazy because I don't smoke. But... Oh. It's fucking hot. Just... exhale in my general direction. And, oh, exhale through your nose, because I think that's hot.
Heh. "Mother Nature, I like your jeans."
Hee again. "He's satin!" [sic]
Pause. Rewind. Slow forward. Dang. Quicktime doesn't have a slow forward. Bradley Cooper looks really hot with his pants around his ankles. Why can't this movie have pegging jokes? Almost all of the other ones have pegging jokes!
Pause... Oh. Bradley Cooper has a really nice torso. Pull his shirt up! Take it off! Yeah!
Okay, I'm pretty sure Bradley Cooper would be a top, and Michael Ian Black would be a big nelly bottom, but I think they might both be straight. Bradley Cooper better be straight. Please?
Okay, when Bradley Cooper says, "You were fantastic," I'll just pretend he's talking about fucking me. Okay? Okay.
Yayyyyyy. We did it.
Hey. This one didn't have pegging jokes or a big black dildo. What's up with that? Even the one with Sam Rockwell had a huge dildo in it. And if you think I won't buy Confessions of a Dangerous Mind on DVD just so I can look at Sam Rockwell's naked ass over and and over again, you would be wrong. Furthermore, what the hell is up with Sam Rockwell's teeth in "Bored"? They're huge. I think they must be falsies. Either way, I really want to give Sam Rockwell "a tip."
Wow. Studying sure makes me pathetically horny.
Oh. Right. I wanted to talk about Girlfriends LA. It's this catalog I used to buy stuff from in high school when I was my most agoraphobic. I mostly just bought Rocky Horror tee shirts and sweatpants with odd words on the ass, like, "TART." Why does my ass say "TART"? I don't know. I guess I don't have a sweet ass.
Anyhow, they now have really cute Suicide Girl-esque models. There's this one girl with pink hair and rockabilly tattoos. I don't know if they're fake, but I'm going to say they're not. She has ones on her arms, and cherry tattoos on her stomach, and she has the cutest little tummy. I want to lick it. Again, with the pathetic display of horniness. Sorry, folks. There's also a girl with Bettie bangs, and a girl with dyke-short buzzed hair dyed magenta -- she has three facial piercings and a snake tattoo and a spider tattoo, and she can be my girlfriend. I don't know. They have some tee shirts from bands I like, like Tiger Army. It's a teen catalog, and they have AFI, Dropkick Murphys, Tiger Army, and Ramones shirts. I think that's rad cool. And I really want to buy this dress.
Though, I think they should 86 the Fred Durst on the splash page. Seriously, click on Fred Durst's face and vote for bands that don't suck. Vote for Yo La Tengo. Or Belle & Sebastian. Heck, go ahead and vote for Wilco. Please. Or you can do what I did, after stuffing the ballot box with Yo La Tengo. You can submit "Anal Cunt" via the fill-in box. Over and over again. That was... pointless and FUN.
I don't know why I care so much about that catalog right now. I think it's because I really want to bone that girl with the short hair. Look at her. She is cuuute.
Before I get to the Epitaph of the Day, I want to link to this funny story about Courtney Cox's asshole. You'll be glad you did.
Okay. The Epitaph of the Day is reported from hearsay in Hatfield, Massachusetts and Pownal, Vermont, and it's "obviously" derived from a longer version in Plymouth, England, 1750:
Here lies as silent clay
Miss Arabella Young
Who on the 21st of May
1771
Began to hold her tongue.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Also, I thought the Royal Tenanbaums looked lame from the ads...but Morgan and braveliltoaster can't BOTH be wrong. And I like Rushmore.
Now, I went to the video store today with the intention of renting The Royal Tenanbaums and Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid...but I had a sneaky suspicion, a vague memory, that Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid had been stolen from the video store. This was correct. Also, they STILL had The Royal Tenanbaums in the new releases section. STILL. An employee told me this is because "it's still renting a lot". So it's only a one-day rental, and I wanted to use a two-for-one coupon to get two movies to return Wednesday....so I was thwarted. I will soon rent TRT and buy FGGN.
"she has three facial piercings and a snake tattoo and a spider tattoo, and she can be my girlfriend. I don't know." - this is a slam-dunk. I can tell you for a fact she be all over you like white on cocaine....and "this dress" that you wanna buy is totally friggin bitchin.